MCCAIN SEEN WANDERING AROUND PHARMACY ASKING PEOPLE IF THEY KNOW WHERE HE LIVES

TABLOID SAYS THEY HAVE 78 SECOND RACHEL RAY SEX TAPE

MAN AFFECTS OWN LIFE

FAMED NOVELIST OUT OF WINDEX

ADORABLE KITTENS MEET FOR CUTE CONVENTION

IRAN DEVELOPING LASER BURKA

BILL CLINTON SEEN AT DENVER POOL HALL, HUSTLING BETS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE WHICH CAUSES SLIGHT ANNOYANCE AT APPARENT WASTE OF PRECIOUS SCIENCE RESOURCES

PORTLAND CYCLIST SURVIVES CRASH ONLY TO BE KILLED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: APOCALYPTIC-Y