JOHN MCCAIN WASTES AFTERNOON LOOKING FOR HANDCRANK TO START BUS

ADORABLE KITTENS STRESS ADORABILITY

CONCERNS EXPRESSED AS HILLARY CLINTON NOW TOSSES BACK AVERAGE 15 SHOTS A DAY

ONION WRITERS' ATTEMPT TO SEND MOTHER'S DAY CARD HOBBLED BY IRONIC SUBTEXT

PFIZER RELEASES "BRANDUMAXOL", WHICH TREATS DEBILITATING ADDICTION TO PURCHASING DRUGS FROM GLAXXO-SMITH-KLEIN

PSYCHIATRIC SAVINGS MULTIPLY AS ROBOTS AUTOMATE JUNGIAN ANALYSIS

POPULAR BAND RESISTS SELLING OUT FOR FOUR DAYS

GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

HOUSE SOLD FOR SONG: CELINE DION HIRED TO NOT SHUT UP UNTIL CLOSING

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE RULING JUNTA OF MYANMAR : "WE WILL FIGHT FOREIGN INTERFERENCE IN OUR PEOPLES' RIGHT TO DIE OF DYSENTERY"

JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM

DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING

BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS WASTED EACH SUMMER BY WATCHING OF GIRLS STRETCHING

ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK

FACING MELTING, POLAR BEARS' LAWYER MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP

BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"

MODEST PRICE ADVANTAGE AS NEW HONDA RUNS ON MILK

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE WALL STREET : "IN THIS DIFFICULT CLIMATE, WHO WILL LOOK OUT FOR LARGE OIL COMPANIES?"