ZOMBIE ROBOT THREATENING TO INGEST MOTHER BOARDS

IN RETIREMENT PLANS, POST-WHITE HOUSE BUSH TO "COMPLETELY DISCREDIT THE AREA AROUND CRAWFORD, TEXAS"

BAR BRAWL INDUCES BAR FIGHT

ADORABLE KITTEN NARROWLY ESCAPES NEARBY LOGGING TRUCK TRAGEDY BY INSTEAD SLEEPING ON RUG

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS CLOSE TO EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR LONELY SCIENTISTS

LOCAL TEEN INSPIRED TO GIVE UP

DESPERATE FOR GOOD NEWS, BIOLOGISTS ANNOUNCE THAT THE RACCOON IS NOT ENDANGERED

"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS

TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE

IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"

IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES

CITING PUBLIC DANGER, NEW YORK CITY NOW ENFORCING SPEED LIMIT ON FAST-WALKING SUPERMODELS

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN GENETICISTS: HUMAN/CLAM HYBRID "HAPPY AS A HUMAN-CLAM HYBRID"

MINIVAN BREAKS WORLD IDLING IN FRONT OF ME BLOCKING MY WAY IN PARKING LOT RECORD

JESUS RE-APPEARS IN TACOMA, OPERATING A VERIZON MALL BOOTH

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY MIKE "GUTSHOT" JONES: "I SURE WISH THAT GUY HAD NEVER SHOT ME IN THE GUT"

ADORABLE KITTENS INVESTIGATE REFRIGERATOR AS POSSIBLY INEXHAUSTIBLE SOURCE OF NUMMIES

WAR ON TERROR SIDETRACKED BY BATTLE OF MORONS

ARTIST RECONTEXTUALIZES I-90 WITH ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST LANE MARKERS

CRISP FALL DAY RUINED BY UNNECESSARILY ANNOYING WINDSHIELD REPLACMENT

NOW IN PRIVATE PRACTICE, ALBERTO GONZALES LOSES $20 MIL CASE AS HE FAILS TO RECALL FILING DEADLINE, THE LEGAL PRECEDENTS INVOLVED, WHO HIS CLIENT EXACTLY WAS OR WHAT THE CASE WAS EVEN ABOUT

INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF ROBOTS SPOKESBOT CALLS CRITICS RUN/TIME ERROR

COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: METEOR-Y