LEGOLAND SINKING INTO OCEAN, JUST AS LEGO ZEUS FORETOLD

CATASTROPHIC COLLAPSE OF BEE COLONIES TRACED TO SPREAD OF BEE ANARCHISM

MARINE CORPS BAND DEBUTS NEW PRESIDENTIAL FANFARE, "HAIL TO THE COMMANDER GUY"

iLIFE CONSUMER ENDS ACTUAL LIFE

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS STUDY OF MALES REVEALS 82.6 IMAGES OF FEMALE BREASTS EQUALS APPROXIMATELY ONE VIEW OF ACTUAL FEMALE BREASTS

GLOBAL WARMING ACTION SUDDENLY URGED BY BILLIONAIRE WITH ISLAND

WIDELY BLAMED FOR DIABETES AND OBESITY, SOFT DRINKS NOW FINGERED FOR MIDDLE EAST

HOUSEWIFE IN GHANA GRATEFUL FOR LACK OF GHANA NEWS

ROBOT JOGGERS TO FREE HUMANS FROM BURDEN OF EXERCISE

ASTRONOMERS REPORT NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET "STUFFED WITH CANDY"

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW EAST LANSING-LIKE PLANET

MAN SEEN ABOUT HORSE

AMID WORLD TROUBLES, ASSAULTS USING TYPEWRITERS DROP SHARPLY

BUSH VISITS BALL-POINT PEN FACTORY -HUNDREDS FLEE FROM COLLAPSE, FIRE AND EXPLOSION; ALSO PEN PRICES TRIPLE

ROBOT ARTIST TO FREE HUMANS FROM BURDEN OF CREATIVITY

ENVIRONMENTAL STUDY: CLAMS WORLDWIDE LOSING WILL TO LIVE

MR. POTATOHEAD CAUGHT SOLICITING CHIVES

IN CELEBRITY NEWS, BRITNEY SPEARS APPEARS OFTEN

EPA: IT TURNS OUT NORTH AND SOUTH POLES IN LOVE, HEARTS ARE MELTING

NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET BLAMED FOR REAL ESTATE SLUMP