3rd ATTEMPTED RESCUE OF ADORABLE KITTEN FAILS; KITTEN OK

Stung By Bat-Rash, Batman Demands Pharmaceutical Accountability


DON RUMSFELD FIXATED ON DENNY'S MENU

Robot Driver Obsessively Checking Service Number in Line at DMV

In Humiliating Hollywood Ceremony, Micheal Eisner Stripped of Rank

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill in Condi Rice's Name, Address on Hundreds of Sketchy Internet Sites

Angelina Jolie Bringing Critical Hotness to Sub-Saharan Africa

Evangelical Counseling Program Convinces Meterosexual to Stop Moisturizing

BUSH ADOPTS NEW SPEAKING STYLE

Flavor-Flav Favors Bio-Flavanoids

Correction: Adorable Kittens NOT Killed By
Warm Sunny Spot

Laid-Off Lumberjack Fells Money Tree Shop



Stung By Gas Prices, Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Regrets Impulse Purchase Ford Excurison

Giant Warrior Robots Destroying San Diego Slowed With Tracking Cookies

Pizza Hit Opens Calzone Hovel

Don Rumsfeld Buys Washington Redskins, Insists Team of 6 Against NY Giants Sufficient

Massive L.A. Evacuation as Courtney Love Lays Waste to Large Areas of California

HAT MAKER WINS 50-YARD HABERDASH

Pope Tangles With Batman Over Contraception

Robot Appreciation Day Killed in Senate

U.S. Air Force to Soften Image With Warmth-Seeking Kitten Missiles

As Crash Beckons, Paul Krugman Offers to Buy Lunch

Appealing Fresh Packet of Socks Entices Spontaneuous Change of Socks in Car

Using Special Equipment, Bush Photographed Emiting "Crazy Rays"

After Carelessly Handling New 'Nitro-Cola,' A Respected New York Times Reporter Explodes

OPINION: Your SUV is Hilarious

RUMSFELD: Iran 'Must Comply' With Nuke Limits or Face A Half-Baked, Mismanaged, Undermanned Invasion

New XBOX will Also Fold Laundry

Pope Benedict, Brushing Aside Accusations of Excess Conservatism, Floats an Inquisition Trial Balloon

Tucker Carlson Dominates Pan-International Fuck-Off Competition

OPINION: Don't Make Me Come Over There

Adorable Kittens Not Feeling the Love

University of Michigan Scientists Identify Gene That Causes Dissatisfaction with Mechanistic Determinism

Robot Misses Old BKI-07893-C Attachment

Michael Caine Honored But Saddened By His Ceremonial Blowing Up of Dilapidated IKEA

RUMSFELD: Iraq is 'Made of Butterscotch Pudding'

Onion Editorial Staff Enjoying 1987 Algebra Video

Leaving a Trail of Dead and Wounded Innocents Across Mexico, A Cornered Ken Lay Guns It Out with Mexican Police in a Chihuahua Whorehouse

Scientists Identify Gene In Women Which Inhibits Their Dating of Scientists

Rootbeer Dam Bursts, Flooding Ice Cream Hill

Lost Russian Plutonium Located, Safely Stored in Missiles in Tehran

Significant Embarassment Associated with Sudden Catastrophic Failure of Pocket-Pro Insta-Tent

Botched Skittles Promotional Airdrop Annoys Thousands with Mild Bruises, Colorful Sticky Bits in Hair

Adorable Kittens Avoid Responsibility by Hiding in Box

OPINION: Angelina Jolie May Be the Hottest Woman in the World, But That Doesn't Mean Brad Pitt Should Cast Aside His Sacred Commitment to Another Famous Celebrity

New Robotic Auto-Machete Will Make Old Genocidal Frenzy Obsolete

Bush's 2nd Place Finish in Rodeo Ascribed to 'Fancy-Ridin'' Butler

Coming Up on Headlines: Why "The Onion" Isn't Bothering to Sue Us