UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER U OF M FOOTBALL TEAM HAMPERED BY HIGH LEVELS OF SUCKSTOSTERONE

PETRAEUS: WE MUST STAY IN IRAQ UNTIL THE MOMENT WE ACTUALLY LEAVE IRAQ

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TIED TO KLEENEX SHORTAGE

ADORABLE KITTEN AGAIN FORGETS SOMETHING OUTSIDE

SENATE APPLAUDS IN RELATIVE RELIEF AS BUSH INTRODUCES ATTORNEY GENERAL CARROT-TOP

GO TO GUY REBUFFED BY IT GIRL

HAMPTONS AREA OPENS FIRST GATED TACO BELL

CONFIDENT SQUIRREL FEARS NO MAN

REPORT: UNSECURED IPODS PRONE TO ACCIDENTAL SWALLOWING, BUT ARE EXCRETED WITH RELATIVE EASE

HAMBURG COLLEGE STUDENT SUDDENLY WEARY OF SPEAKING GERMAN

COMING UP ON TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES TODAY: CAN THIS ORDINARY CHINESE TOOTHPASTE MAKE YOUR HAMSTERS CANNIBALS?