Israel "Must Respond Swiftly" to Casserole

Microsoft In Anti-Piracy Move Commissions Captain Blood

Dentist Group: Molassses Promotes Tooth Delay

Nuke Plant Engineer Looks Askance at Water Feed into Coffee Dispenser Machine

Doctors ID Stabbing Knife as Source of Heart Trouble

Micheal Jackson Trial To Go Forward While Appearing to Move Backward

Green Party To Initiate "Stike Plan Delta"

Scientists At Jet Propulsion Lab Pronounce Titan "Surprisingly Hot"

SO HELP US GOD

ROBOTS CONVINCE PENTAGON TO RECONSIDER DON'T ASK, DON'T REBOOT POLICY

FREE INAUGURATION MONOCLES, POOR-KICKING BOOTH BIG HITS

Adorable Kittens Demand 'Afternoon Trapped in Entryway' Reparations

Impolite Volcano Interupts

Sea Lion Snitch Turns Walrus Evidence

Titan Moon Probe Reveals "15 to 20" Missing Mars Probes

U.S. to Save Climate With Massive Plutonium Radiation Leak

Suicidal Elephant Tramples Himself

Fauna Again Bests Florida

U.S. SAYS IT ONLY INVADES COUNTRIES TO BLOW OFF A LITTLE STEAM EVERY SO OFTEN

SOCK PLANT SUFFERS DARN EXPLOSION

New Oakland Bridge Cuts Force Radical "Car-tapult" Option

Telekinetic Boy Accidently Stops Bus With Sudden Need to Use Restroom

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Stumped Over Comparative Advantages of Paper Vs. Plastic

Owl Emits Fowl Odor