TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES TODAY
I'm Telling You, It's the News. FORMERLY TODAY'S TOMORROWS HEADLINES MORE MADE-UP HEADLINES THAN THE ONION AND FOX NEWS COMBINED VOTED BY ROBOTS AND ADORABLE KITTENS THE 45th MOST POPULAR BLOG IN SEATTLE. AKA Today's Urgent Headlines Today Copyright 2004-2007 all rights reserved
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Thursday, February 05, 2009
ANDROID ARMY DEFEATED BY SIMPLE SCREENSAVER
OBAMA TO SEND NATION'S FLEET OF SECRET BLACK HELICOPTERS TO HOVER ANNOYINGLY OVER GOLF COURSES
TIBETAN COMEDIAN KILLING WITH NEW YAK-BUTTER TEA JOKE
SHOCKING PARENTS AND BRIEFLY DELIGHTING CHILDREN, SOMALI PIRATES SEIZE SPOKANE CHUCK E. CHEESE
OBAMA'S VACATED PARKING SPACE FOUND ON CRAIG'S LIST
TEENAGER INJURED BY MARKETERRAZZI
MAN WHO SHUFFLED OFF TO BUFFALO, HAVING ARRIVED, PERSISTS IN SHUFFLING
CALIFORNIA ROBOTS VOTE TO BAN ROBOT-APPLIANCE MARRIAGE
MRS. PAUL, AFTER RELIGIOUS CONVERSION, NOW "COD-FEARING"
BRIEF DANCE CONTRACT TERMS CLEVERLY HIDDEN UNDER ENORMOUS BREASTS
IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY THE COP STANDING NEXT TO YOU: "MAY I SPEAK WITH YOU A MINUTE, SIR?"
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
NASA SCIENTISTS REPORT MICHIGAN EXPLORER III HAS LANDED SAFELY IN DETROIT
SOMALI PIRATES GRAB TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
COPS FIND INEBRIATED ALAN GREENSPAN BOTHERING APPLEBY'S CUSTOMERS WITH OBVIOUS PYRAMID SCHEME
PHOENIX: POPCORN GENE INSERTED IN NOW-ESCAPED MICE MAY BECOME ONGOING CATASTROPHY
OBAMA TO DOUBLE TAX ON NASCAR PARAPHERNALIA
HOARD OF ADORABLE KITTENS LEAP ON AND FEROCIOUSLY ATTACK WILLIAM SHATNER'S HEAD
ROBOT-FIXING ROBOT FIXED
CALIFORNIA VOTES TO BAN OWL MARRIAGE
JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN
MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF
IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY HILARY CLINTON: DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
OBAMA MOVES QUICKLY TO CRUSH ANTI-HOPE GROUPS
BRITISH NAVY INTERCEPTS ROGUE CANAPES
MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF
SOMALI PIRATES CAPTURE TEXAS WATER PARK
MOURNFUL MOOS OF THE CRABCOW FRIGHTEN SHOREFOLK
ALAN GREENSPAN FIRED AS WAL-MART GREETER
SCIENTISTS: MICHIGAN MAY ONCE HAVE BEEN U.S. STATE
STUDY OF STUDY OF STUDIES SHOWS STUDIES OF STUDIES UNDERSTUDIED UNTIL RECENTLY
CALIFORNIA MOVES TO BAN DORK MARRIAGE
JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN
POPE CONDEMNS GOOGLING SELF
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
CURSING SARAH PALIN TRAPPED IN WASILLA VOTING BOOTH BY CARELESSLY ABANDONED CHINESE FINGER PUZZLE
MISSION FAILING, KARL ROVE TO RETURN TO HOME PLANET
MILLION OBAMA SUPPORTERS EXPECTED TO GATHER IN CHICAGO; TEN MILLION REPUBLICANS EXPECTED TO GATHER THEMSELVES IN THEIR OWN BASEMENT HOME BUSINESS OFFICES
REPORT: MCCAIN SCARED OF GHOSTS
TED STEVENS HUMBLY AND SINCERELY APOLOGIES FOR HIS ABUSE OF POWER, FELONY CRIMES IN HIGH OFFICE
OBAMA TO MAKE FLOSSING MANDATORY
REPUBLICAN DIASPORA: MILLIONS FLEE TO IDAHO, LOADING ENTIRE GATED COMMUNITIES ON PRIMITIVE WAGONS
UPDATE: MCCAIN PARTICULARLY FRIGHTENED OF GHOST OF SCROOGE MCCDUCK
EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DISRUPTED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS
HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT
IN SURPRISE MOVE, MCCAIN CAMPAIGN SENDS DOZENS OF PONIES TO UTAH
SARAH PALIN CLAIMS TO HAVE MEMORIZED THE INTERNET
ADORABLE KITTENS PLAN TO CAPTURE BALL OF YARN, NAP UNDER ITS MIGHTY SHADOW
LOCATED AT IN A DILAPIDATED NEWARK STUDIO APARTMENT AMID EMPTY COORS CANS AND DOMINO'S PIZZA BOXES, CAPITALISM WATCHES GAME SHOWS, TAKES A BONG HIT AND MAKES NO APOLOGIES
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE ADVANCED SUPERCOMPUTER TO CRACK "MYSTERIOUS RESEARCH GRANT CODE"
LATE UPDATE: CINDY MCCAIN- GHOST?????
IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY AN ENRAGED HYENA: "GIVE ME THAT WILDEBEEST BONE, ASSHOLE!!"
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
DESPERATE FED GIVES JIMMY'S PAWN SHOP $354 BILLION
HALF-WIT ZINGS QUARTER WIT
EMBARASSED ROBOTS NOW SEEKING OTHER TYPES OF PHONE WORK
401(k) now 201(b)
REPORT: IS ALASKA THE NEW WEST VIRGINIA?
McCAIN HANGING ON TO PRO-MELANOMA VOTE
PALIN SHARPLY QUESTIONED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS
HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT
MCCAIN CALLS FOR PUDDING
REPORT: SARAH PALIN ATTENDED FIVE DIFFERENT SECOND GRADES
McCAIN STATEMENT "I HATE WAR" UNDERMINED BY PROFOUND LOVE OF WAR
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS MAKE TENTATIVE IDENTIFICATION OF POPULAR ENGLISH PROFESSOR WHO TOOK PARKING SPACE
CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES
IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: LOOK OUT!
Friday, September 05, 2008
MCCAIN SEEN WANDERING AROUND PHARMACY ASKING PEOPLE IF THEY KNOW WHERE HE LIVES
TABLOID SAYS THEY HAVE 78 SECOND RACHEL RAY SEX TAPE
MAN AFFECTS OWN LIFE
FAMED NOVELIST OUT OF WINDEX
ADORABLE KITTENS MEET FOR CUTE CONVENTION
IRAN DEVELOPING LASER BURKA
BILL CLINTON SEEN AT DENVER POOL HALL, HUSTLING BETS
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE WHICH CAUSES SLIGHT ANNOYANCE AT APPARENT WASTE OF PRECIOUS SCIENCE RESOURCES
PORTLAND CYCLIST SURVIVES CRASH ONLY TO BE KILLED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS
CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES
IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: APOCALYPTIC-Y
Thursday, August 28, 2008
TABLOID SAYS THEY HAVE 78 SECOND RACHEL RAY SEX TAPE
CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES
PORTLAND CYCLIST SURVIVES CRASH ONLY TO BE KILLED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS
JOHN EDWARDS REGRETS AFFAIR WITH JOHN McCAIN
SNEAKY GIRLFRIEND UNLEASHES SECRET PRESENT-INDUCING CAMPAIGN
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE WHICH CAUSES SLIGHT ANNOYANCE AT APPARENT WASTE OF PRECIOUS SCIENCE RESOURCES
POLYAMOROUS MARIN COUNTY ORGY INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST DEMOCRATIC PARTY ORGANIZERS
SCIENTISTS UNVEIL ROBOT FRIEND DESIGNED TO NEVER TOTALLY BAIL ON YOU
WEIGHING ASPECTS CAREFULLY, MAN AT 7-11 CONCLUDES WASABI CHIPS WILL PROVIDE BEST TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM GNAWING DESPAIR
IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: OUTLOOK GREAT FOR PINEAPPLE SEASON IN SIBERIA
Saturday, August 09, 2008
IN DRAMATIC TURN, DICK CHENEY CLAIMS TO BE BARACK OBAMA'S FATHER
RASH OF BEAR ATTACKS IN ALASKA ATTRIBUTED TO RISE IN CAVE FORECLOSURES
BUSH POLL REPORTS APPROVAL OF 1: A CERTAIN MR. TOM PRICKSON, UNEMPLOYED LOCKSMITH, OF SCRANTON, PA.
SCIENTISTS' REVIEW OF LITERATURE REVEALS COMPLEX PERSONAL MOTIVATIONS
STUDY: AMERICA NOT PREPARED FOR EXTENDED PERIOD OF SENSIBLE PUBLIC POLICY
BILL CLINTON POPS UP AS NEW PRESIDENT OF CHAD
FAKE BLUETOOTH SET COMPANY TARGETS SCHIZOPHRENIC DEMOGRAPHIC
MAN PREPARING 7-11 HOT DOG ABOUT TO FACE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
ADORABLE KITTENS FAIL IN TELEKINETIC ATTEMPT TO PRODUCE NUMMIES
Monday, July 28, 2008
BILL GATES SEEN CRUNK AT RENTON 7-11, TOSSING PLASTIC LAWN CHAIRS AT PASSING CARS
SCIENTISTS URGENTLY WORKING TO CRACK GENETIC CODE FOR ANGELINA JOLIE
McCAIN UNVEILS PROPOSAL TO EXTEND DAYLIGHT NAPPING TIME
HILARIOUS JOKE ON GAS PRICES THWARTED BY SEX
STUDY: U.S. NOW A SAD, LONELY SUPERPOWER
ROBOT PORN SPREADS SEEN AT LOWE'S
FLEEING KARL ROVE LEADS COPS IN CHASE THROUGH TRI-COUNTY AREA, DEATH TOLL NEARING 27
NODDING SOLEMNLY, OBAMA QUIETLY APPROVES HIS OWN MEMORIAL DESIGN
ADORABLE KITTENS UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND SIMPLE DVR INSTRUCTIONS
Thursday, July 17, 2008
BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF
JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM
DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING
UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE WASTED 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS EACH SUMMER CAUSED BY GIRLS STRETCHING
ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK
FACING POLAR MELTING, POLAR BEARS' INVESTMENT GROUP MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP
BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"
NEW HONDA RUNS ON INEXPENSIVE MILK
SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET
Friday, June 27, 2008
JOHN MCCAIN WASTES AFTERNOON LOOKING FOR HANDCRANK TO START BUS
ADORABLE KITTENS STRESS ADORABILITY
CONCERNS EXPRESSED AS HILLARY CLINTON NOW TOSSES BACK AVERAGE 15 SHOTS A DAY
ONION WRITERS' ATTEMPT TO SEND MOTHER'S DAY CARD HOBBLED BY IRONIC SUBTEXT
PFIZER RELEASES "BRANDUMAXOL", WHICH TREATS DEBILITATING ADDICTION TO PURCHASING DRUGS FROM GLAXXO-SMITH-KLEIN
PSYCHIATRIC SAVINGS MULTIPLY AS ROBOTS AUTOMATE JUNGIAN ANALYSIS
POPULAR BAND RESISTS SELLING OUT FOR FOUR DAYS
GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING
SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET
HOUSE SOLD FOR SONG: CELINE DION HIRED TO NOT SHUT UP UNTIL CLOSING
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE RULING JUNTA OF MYANMAR : "WE WILL FIGHT FOREIGN INTERFERENCE IN OUR PEOPLES' RIGHT TO DIE OF DYSENTERY"
JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM
DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING
BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF
UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS WASTED EACH SUMMER BY WATCHING OF GIRLS STRETCHING
ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK
FACING MELTING, POLAR BEARS' LAWYER MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP
BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"
MODEST PRICE ADVANTAGE AS NEW HONDA RUNS ON MILK
SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE WALL STREET : "IN THIS DIFFICULT CLIMATE, WHO WILL LOOK OUT FOR LARGE OIL COMPANIES?"
Saturday, May 10, 2008
U.S. SUPREME COURT AWARDS ALASKAN OIL SPILL VICTIMS 10.2 BILLION IN EXXON-MOBIL "FUNBUCKS"
CLINTON TO OBAMA: EXCUSE ME, YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR
PERFORMANCE ARTIST SKATING EDGE WITH "WHY I OWE NO TAXES" INSTALLATION
PROBLEM-SOLVING ROBOTS HIT SNAG ON PROBLEM OF NEW PROBLEM CREATION
ALTERNATIVE ROCK MUSIC LOSES LEASE
GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING
SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET
A DRUNKEN ALAN GREENSPAN INSTIGATES, LOSES FISTFIGHT WITH TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE
DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"
PROBLEM-SOLVING ROBOTS HIT SNAG ON PROBLEM OF NEW PROBLEM CREATION
ALTERNATIVE ROCK MUSIC LOSES LEASE
GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING
SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET
A DRUNKEN ALAN GREENSPAN INSTIGATES, LOSES FISTFIGHT WITH TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE
DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"
ALTERNATIVE ROCK MUSIC LOSES LEASE
GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING
SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET
A DRUNKEN ALAN GREENSPAN INSTIGATES, LOSES FISTFIGHT WITH TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE
DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"
GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING
SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET
A DRUNKEN ALAN GREENSPAN INSTIGATES, LOSES FISTFIGHT WITH TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE
DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"
SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET
A DRUNKEN ALAN GREENSPAN INSTIGATES, LOSES FISTFIGHT WITH TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE
DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"
A DRUNKEN ALAN GREENSPAN INSTIGATES, LOSES FISTFIGHT WITH TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE
DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE
DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"
Monday, February 25, 2008
ECONOMY LOOKING FORWARD TO STIMULUS PACKAGE, CANDLELIT DINNER
DICK CHENEY EXPECTED TO EMERGE FROM HIBERNATION SUNDAY, HUNGRY AND IRRITABLE
STUDY: FURTHER STUDY WOULD JUST CONFUSE THINGS
FUNERAL OF MAN WITH 763 MYSPACE FRIENDS NETS 3 PALLBEARERS
GHOSTS IN GHOST CRUISE SHIP HAVE SOMEHOW GAINED WEIGHT
NEO-DRUID CASTS CURSE-SPELL ON RENT-TO-OWN FURNITURE MANAGER
ECONOMIST, BIOLOGIST, CLIMATOLOGIST ALL FAIL TO REASSURE EACH OTHER
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING
GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"
STUDY: FURTHER STUDY WOULD JUST CONFUSE THINGS
FUNERAL OF MAN WITH 763 MYSPACE FRIENDS NETS 3 PALLBEARERS
GHOSTS IN GHOST CRUISE SHIP HAVE SOMEHOW GAINED WEIGHT
NEO-DRUID CASTS CURSE-SPELL ON RENT-TO-OWN FURNITURE MANAGER
ECONOMIST, BIOLOGIST, CLIMATOLOGIST ALL FAIL TO REASSURE EACH OTHER
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING
GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"
FUNERAL OF MAN WITH 763 MYSPACE FRIENDS NETS 3 PALLBEARERS
GHOSTS IN GHOST CRUISE SHIP HAVE SOMEHOW GAINED WEIGHT
NEO-DRUID CASTS CURSE-SPELL ON RENT-TO-OWN FURNITURE MANAGER
ECONOMIST, BIOLOGIST, CLIMATOLOGIST ALL FAIL TO REASSURE EACH OTHER
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING
GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"
GHOSTS IN GHOST CRUISE SHIP HAVE SOMEHOW GAINED WEIGHT
NEO-DRUID CASTS CURSE-SPELL ON RENT-TO-OWN FURNITURE MANAGER
ECONOMIST, BIOLOGIST, CLIMATOLOGIST ALL FAIL TO REASSURE EACH OTHER
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING
GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"
NEO-DRUID CASTS CURSE-SPELL ON RENT-TO-OWN FURNITURE MANAGER
ECONOMIST, BIOLOGIST, CLIMATOLOGIST ALL FAIL TO REASSURE EACH OTHER
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING
GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"
ECONOMIST, BIOLOGIST, CLIMATOLOGIST ALL FAIL TO REASSURE EACH OTHER
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING
GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"
LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING
GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"
Thursday, December 13, 2007
ENDANGERED SPECIES BEGIN TAKING UP EXTREME SPORTS
NORTH KOREANS INSTRUCTED TO LAUGH AT HILARIOUS "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US" INTERNET CRAZE OF 2001
TACO SUPREME COURT ISSUES SOUR CREAM RULING
ADORABLE KITTEN TORTURES SPIDER IN ORDER TO FIGHT TERRORISM
MAGIC KINGDOM CLIMATE CHANGE WILL BRING INCREASED PERIODS OF SADNESS
UGLY MAN URGED TO SHOP ONLINE
EXXON HEADQUARTERS PLUMBING AGAIN CLOGGED WITH WADS OF MOIST CASH
HUNGRY UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE STEM CELLS TO MAKE CHICKEN BREAST
JERSEY CRIME SYNDICATE HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET ABOUT IT
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: VINDICTIVE HAIL
NORTH KOREANS INSTRUCTED TO LAUGH AT HILARIOUS "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US" INTERNET CRAZE OF 2001
TACO SUPREME COURT ISSUES SOUR CREAM RULING
ADORABLE KITTEN TORTURES SPIDER IN ORDER TO FIGHT TERRORISM
MAGIC KINGDOM CLIMATE CHANGE WILL BRING INCREASED PERIODS OF SADNESS
UGLY MAN URGED TO SHOP ONLINE
EXXON HEADQUARTERS PLUMBING AGAIN CLOGGED WITH WADS OF MOIST CASH
HUNGRY UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE STEM CELLS TO MAKE CHICKEN BREAST
JERSEY CRIME SYNDICATE HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET ABOUT IT
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: VINDICTIVE HAIL
UGLY MAN URGED TO SHOP ONLINE
EXXON HEADQUARTERS PLUMBING AGAIN CLOGGED WITH WADS OF MOIST CASH
HUNGRY UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE STEM CELLS TO MAKE CHICKEN BREAST
JERSEY CRIME SYNDICATE HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET ABOUT IT
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: VINDICTIVE HAIL
EXXON HEADQUARTERS PLUMBING AGAIN CLOGGED WITH WADS OF MOIST CASH
HUNGRY UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE STEM CELLS TO MAKE CHICKEN BREAST
JERSEY CRIME SYNDICATE HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET ABOUT IT
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: VINDICTIVE HAIL
HUNGRY UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE STEM CELLS TO MAKE CHICKEN BREAST
JERSEY CRIME SYNDICATE HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET ABOUT IT
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: VINDICTIVE HAIL
JERSEY CRIME SYNDICATE HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET ABOUT IT
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: VINDICTIVE HAIL
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: VINDICTIVE HAIL
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
ZOMBIE ROBOT THREATENING TO INGEST MOTHER BOARDS
IN RETIREMENT PLANS, POST-WHITE HOUSE BUSH TO "COMPLETELY DISCREDIT THE AREA AROUND CRAWFORD, TEXAS"
BAR BRAWL INDUCES BAR FIGHT
ADORABLE KITTEN NARROWLY ESCAPES NEARBY LOGGING TRUCK TRAGEDY BY INSTEAD SLEEPING ON RUG
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS CLOSE TO EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR LONELY SCIENTISTS
LOCAL TEEN INSPIRED TO GIVE UP
DESPERATE FOR GOOD NEWS, BIOLOGISTS ANNOUNCE THAT THE RACCOON IS NOT ENDANGERED
"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS
TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE
IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"
IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
IN RETIREMENT PLANS, POST-WHITE HOUSE BUSH TO "COMPLETELY DISCREDIT THE AREA AROUND CRAWFORD, TEXAS"
BAR BRAWL INDUCES BAR FIGHT
ADORABLE KITTEN NARROWLY ESCAPES NEARBY LOGGING TRUCK TRAGEDY BY INSTEAD SLEEPING ON RUG
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS CLOSE TO EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR LONELY SCIENTISTS
LOCAL TEEN INSPIRED TO GIVE UP
DESPERATE FOR GOOD NEWS, BIOLOGISTS ANNOUNCE THAT THE RACCOON IS NOT ENDANGERED
"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS
TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE
IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"
IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
BAR BRAWL INDUCES BAR FIGHT
ADORABLE KITTEN NARROWLY ESCAPES NEARBY LOGGING TRUCK TRAGEDY BY INSTEAD SLEEPING ON RUG
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS CLOSE TO EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR LONELY SCIENTISTS
LOCAL TEEN INSPIRED TO GIVE UP
DESPERATE FOR GOOD NEWS, BIOLOGISTS ANNOUNCE THAT THE RACCOON IS NOT ENDANGERED
"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS
TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE
IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"
IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
LOCAL TEEN INSPIRED TO GIVE UP
DESPERATE FOR GOOD NEWS, BIOLOGISTS ANNOUNCE THAT THE RACCOON IS NOT ENDANGERED
"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS
TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE
IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"
IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
DESPERATE FOR GOOD NEWS, BIOLOGISTS ANNOUNCE THAT THE RACCOON IS NOT ENDANGERED
"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS
TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE
IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"
IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
"REDNECK PLATO" POSTULATES THE REALM OF THE CONCRETE FORMS
TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE
IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"
IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
TURKISH GOVERNMENT HIRES ALBERTO GONZALES TO FORGET THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE
IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"
IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
IN TODAY'S URGENT OPINIONS, BY CLAY BENNETT, OWNER OF THE SEATTLE SONICS: " THE CALL TO SNIVEL: WHY AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES MUST SPEAK OUT"
IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
IN MIX-UP OVER WRITER'S STRIKE, COAST GUARD ICEBREAKER SENT TO HOLLYWOOD
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: ANGRY SPRINKLES
Friday, November 02, 2007
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN GENETICISTS: HUMAN/CLAM HYBRID "HAPPY AS A HUMAN-CLAM HYBRID"
MINIVAN BREAKS WORLD IDLING IN FRONT OF ME BLOCKING MY WAY IN PARKING LOT RECORD
JESUS RE-APPEARS IN TACOMA, OPERATING A VERIZON MALL BOOTH
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY MIKE "GUTSHOT" JONES: "I SURE WISH THAT GUY HAD NEVER SHOT ME IN THE GUT"
ADORABLE KITTENS INVESTIGATE REFRIGERATOR AS POSSIBLY INEXHAUSTIBLE SOURCE OF NUMMIES
WAR ON TERROR SIDETRACKED BY BATTLE OF MORONS
ARTIST RECONTEXTUALIZES I-90 WITH ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST LANE MARKERS
CRISP FALL DAY RUINED BY UNNECESSARILY ANNOYING WINDSHIELD REPLACMENT
NOW IN PRIVATE PRACTICE, ALBERTO GONZALES LOSES $20 MIL CASE AS HE FAILS TO RECALL FILING DEADLINE, THE LEGAL PRECEDENTS INVOLVED, WHO HIS CLIENT EXACTLY WAS OR WHAT THE CASE WAS EVEN ABOUT
INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF ROBOTS SPOKESBOT CALLS CRITICS RUN/TIME ERROR
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: METEOR-Y
Sunday, October 28, 2007
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: AMBIGUITY CRISIS MAY WORSEN OR NOT
AN ENRAGED DICK CHENEY OUTBID AT LAST MINUTE ON EBAY
PHYSICISTS ISOLATE MORON RAYS
NEW CAR WILL RUN ON GREENER PLUTONIUM
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY NOBEL LAUREATE AL GORE: "SUCK ON THIS, MORLOCKS"
GIULIANI SUPPORT STEADY AMONG CONSERVATIVE GIUS
ON RETURN HOME, RELEASED GUANTANAMO DETAINEE GETS BILL FOR FIVE YEARS OF HBO HE NEVER ORDERED
ROBOTS WITH GREEN MEMORY CARDS TO REPLACE AMERICAN ROBOTS ON ROBOT ASSEMBLY LINE
FEATURES: LOCAL CRAFT ARTIST TURNING OLD WATERBEDS INTO "BLADDERS OF INCONSOLABLE DESPAIR"
ON GOLF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP SCORES RARE "ASSHOLE IN ONE"
FACING $8 BILLION INVESTOR FRAUD AND 15 COUNTS OF FEDERAL RACKETEERING CHARGES,
ACCUSED CEO SUDDENLY IMPRESSES JUDGE WITH DISPLAY OF WICKED HACKY-SACK SKILLS
COMING UP ON URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: INSIDE NOT AT ALL GOOD EITHER
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
POPULACE INFURIATED BY ENDLESS BRITNEY SPEARS COVERAGE, FRENCH ASSAULT FORCES LAND AT REDONDO BEACH
CLIMATE CHANGE REPORT: BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN NOW SLUFFING OFF TAFFY
RELATED: CANDYLAND SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SWEET PINK COTTON CANDY CLOUDS "PUMPING OUT BILLIONS OF TONS OF CO2"
ADORABLE KITTEN SURVIVES MINUTES LOST IN PILLOW CASE
IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY ECONOMIST PAUL KRUGMAN: "I TOLD YOU AND I TOLD YOU: WHEN DID I EVER NOT FUCKING TELL YOU?"
SURPRISE, CARNAGE IN HARTFORD AS BLUE, 10-ARMED GODDESS OF CHAOS KALI VISITS TGI FRIDAYS
LOCAL WOMAN FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN STYLE, COMFORT
ANALYSTS: G.O.P. ACRONYM INCREASINGLY SUSPICIOUS
SENSUOUS KISS WITH BREATHTAKING GIRL INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE
LOCAL DOG YET STARES AT BLOG WRITER
DUMBASS AIRLINES LANDS AT REALLY WIDE RUNWAY*
COMING UP ON HEADLINES: YOUR HAMSTER- WHY YOUR FURRY LITTLE FRIEND MAY INDUCE INFECTIOUS BOILS, EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, AND LINGERING FOR A FEW DAYS IN AGONY WHILE AWAITING THE SWEET RELEASE OF AN INEVITABLE DEATH -HEADLINES REPORT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, AT 11
*Special thanks to old Bob Newhart joke
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
BREAKING NEWS: MARCEL MARCEAU DIES QUIETLY
BUSH PROPOSES AWAKENING THE SLEEPING 1300 FOOT TALL ATOMIC BATTLE ROBOT FROM SPACE
UNDETERRED BY CRITICS, MAN CONTINUES TO ASCRIBE MAGICAL POWERS TO 4 WEEK OLD MAPLE BAR
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS UNCOVER NEW SPECIES, ENDANGER IT ON THE SAME DAY
RESPONDING TO SPEARS' VMA INCIDENT, CONGRESS APPOINTS MUFFIN-TOP INVESTIGATIONS UNIT
DEVASTATING RAINBOW TORNADO DRIVES UNICORN BELLY FUTURES UP
REPUBLICAN SENATORS TORN AS CRITICAL IRAQ VOTE, D.C. OPENING NIGHT OF "RENT" CONFLICT
PRELIMINARY ADORABLE KITTEN INVESTIGATION DETERMINES EMPTY BOOT MAY BE SUITABLE HIDING PLACE
A URGENT HEADLINES OPINION FEATURE, BY CHRIS HITCHINS: WHY I CAN'T GIVE STAY MAD AT YOU, DICK CHENEY, YOU LOVEABLE RASCAL
HEAVEN, HELL BEGIN SURPRISE MERGER TALKS
HERITAGE FOUNDATION LAID WASTE BY ZOMBIE ALEXANDER HAMILTON
SUPERB VIEW OF BEAUTIFUL WOMAN SUDDENLY BLOCKED BY ANGRY MAN
COMING UP ON HEADLINES: WHY IS YOUR CEILING DRIPPING BLOOD? A HEADLINES REPORT YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS, AT 11
Friday, September 21, 2007
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER U OF M FOOTBALL TEAM HAMPERED BY HIGH LEVELS OF SUCKSTOSTERONE
PETRAEUS: WE MUST STAY IN IRAQ UNTIL THE MOMENT WE ACTUALLY LEAVE IRAQ
SCARLETT JOHANSSON TIED TO KLEENEX SHORTAGE
ADORABLE KITTEN AGAIN FORGETS SOMETHING OUTSIDE
SENATE APPLAUDS IN RELATIVE RELIEF AS BUSH INTRODUCES ATTORNEY GENERAL CARROT-TOP
GO TO GUY REBUFFED BY IT GIRL
HAMPTONS AREA OPENS FIRST GATED TACO BELL
CONFIDENT SQUIRREL FEARS NO MAN
REPORT: UNSECURED IPODS PRONE TO ACCIDENTAL SWALLOWING, BUT ARE EXCRETED WITH RELATIVE EASE
HAMBURG COLLEGE STUDENT SUDDENLY WEARY OF SPEAKING GERMAN
COMING UP ON TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES TODAY: CAN THIS ORDINARY CHINESE TOOTHPASTE MAKE YOUR HAMSTERS CANNIBALS?
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
SUMMER THEATER PRODUCTION OF "TERMINATOR III" SENDS 18 TO HOSPITAL
PARIS JACKS IPOD IN DESPERATE METH GAMBIT
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: DYING SPECIES ALSO RUNNING UP HUGE CREDIT CARD DEBTS
CONTROVERSY AS ROBOT CELEBRITY ADOPTS SEATTLE BABY
"GEOMETRIC STRESS" ON TOSSERS BLAMED AS NON-EUCLIDIAN-SHAPED PIZZA SHOP CLOSES
TEEN ANGEL SUFFERS GHOST ZITS
STUDY: HDTV INCREASING AWARENESS OF POOR QUALITY TELEVISION
I.T. GUY UNABLE TO REBOOT BIRCH STICK
INDUSTRY DEFENDS LOW-LEVEL RADIOACTIVE WASTE IN DORITOS PROJECT AS FRITO-LAY ATTEMPTS TO EXPLAIN RECIPE FOR INTENSE ORANGE COLOR
BUSH SIGNING STATEMENT UNVEILED: "AS PRESIDENT, I REALLY SHOULD KNOW WHAT THIS BILL IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT"
INFLUENTIAL MAGICAL FAIRY RESIGNS FROM DEFENSE DEPARTMENT
50 YEARS ON, MABELINE ISSUES PRESS STATEMENT ON WHY SHE COULDN'T BE TRUE AND WENT BACK TO DOING THE THINGS SHE USED TO DO
Thursday, July 05, 2007
RADICAL LABOR FRIES ATTEMPT TO ORGANIZE INTO POTATO
DAMIEN HIRST FURTHER ENCRUSTS $100m DIAMOND SKULL WITH THICK LAYER OF BEARER BONDS
POLICE BUST UP GLOBAL NERD RING
BIOLOGISTS' CONCERNS GROW AS PRESSURED ELEPHANTS BEGIN ARMING THEMSELVES
NEWS FROM ISRAEL: PALESTINIAN, JEWISH FALAFEL STANDS AGREE TO DISAGREE/h4>
APPLE RELEASES iFRIEND, WHICH IMPROVES UPON ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS FROM ACTUAL FRIENDS
MAN ARRESTED FOR BRANDISHING POTATO CHIP AT BUSH
AREA PIMP MUST GO AS "HORTON" HEARS A 'HO
DIRECTOR OF CHEKOV FILM TENSES FURTHER AS PRODUCER BRINGS IN NEW EXPLOSIVES EXPERTS
UNIVERSITY OF AUSTRALIA THEOLOGY STUDY: MYSTERIOUS GATHERING OF KOALAS MAY FORESHADOW KANGAPOCOLYPSE
PRETEND MURDERER GOES "BANG!"
Thursday, May 03, 2007
LEGOLAND SINKING INTO OCEAN, JUST AS LEGO ZEUS FORETOLD
CATASTROPHIC COLLAPSE OF BEE COLONIES TRACED TO SPREAD OF BEE ANARCHISM
MARINE CORPS BAND DEBUTS NEW PRESIDENTIAL FANFARE, "HAIL TO THE COMMANDER GUY"
iLIFE CONSUMER ENDS ACTUAL LIFE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS STUDY OF MALES REVEALS 82.6 IMAGES OF FEMALE BREASTS EQUALS APPROXIMATELY ONE VIEW OF ACTUAL FEMALE BREASTS
GLOBAL WARMING ACTION SUDDENLY URGED BY BILLIONAIRE WITH ISLAND
WIDELY BLAMED FOR DIABETES AND OBESITY, SOFT DRINKS NOW FINGERED FOR MIDDLE EAST
HOUSEWIFE IN GHANA GRATEFUL FOR LACK OF GHANA NEWS
ROBOT JOGGERS TO FREE HUMANS FROM BURDEN OF EXERCISE
ASTRONOMERS REPORT NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET "STUFFED WITH CANDY"
UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW EAST LANSING-LIKE PLANET
MAN SEEN ABOUT HORSE
AMID WORLD TROUBLES, ASSAULTS USING TYPEWRITERS DROP SHARPLY
BUSH VISITS BALL-POINT PEN FACTORY -HUNDREDS FLEE FROM COLLAPSE, FIRE AND EXPLOSION; ALSO PEN PRICES TRIPLEROBOT ARTIST TO FREE HUMANS FROM BURDEN OF CREATIVITY
ENVIRONMENTAL STUDY: CLAMS WORLDWIDE LOSING WILL TO LIVE
MR. POTATOHEAD CAUGHT SOLICITING CHIVES
IN CELEBRITY NEWS, BRITNEY SPEARS APPEARS OFTEN
EPA: IT TURNS OUT NORTH AND SOUTH POLES IN LOVE, HEARTS ARE MELTING
NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET BLAMED FOR REAL ESTATE SLUMP
Sunday, April 15, 2007
FIRST ROBOT MOVIE CRITIC APPEARS ON EBERT AND ROEPER, PANS TERMINATOR IV
ZEUS, ATHENA AND OTHER GREEK GODS CEASE BICKERING, BUY TIME SHARE
SWISS ACTUARY KILLED IN SAUNA BY RABID MARMOT
PENGUIN MAFIA MUSCLES IN ON FLOE
UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS LOCATE VAGUE DISQUIET CENTER IN BRAIN
PETCO UNVEILS MORE EFFECTIVE FRUIT BAT CLEANSER
UNHAPPY DOG HAS CAT-CHANGE SURGERY
CHENEY LEAVES DANCING WITH THE STARS IN DISGRACE
IN SHOCKING REBUKE AT ANNUAL MEETING, UPPER CLASS BRANDS TRUMP "NOT CLASSY"
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
Alaskan Pug Hears "Call of the Galleria"
Eager to Build on Accomplishments, Bush Pushes Fully Funded "Department of the Coming Apocalypse"
Brad Levitates as Angelina Jolie's Baby Girl Performs First Miracle
Angry Adorable Kittens Storm Partly Out of Room Before Distracted By Spider
IN TODAY'S OPINION'S, By Danika Strawberry. Your Protestations are Fatuous.
I Believe We Have Already Negotiated the Value of This Depraved Sexual Service at $350.
Child Mentally Scarred by Kenny Rogers' Fumbling Attempts at Peek-A-Boo
Monday, May 22, 2006
New Orleans Citizens Re-Elect Mayor, 141-127
Sense of Direction at White House Fades As World "Running Out of Things to Fuck Up"
Secret Service Rescues Bush after Fumbling With I-Pod Attachment Package Enters 2nd Hour
John McCain Sends Back Report That "Power of the Dark Side Unimaginable"
Awkwardness, Embarassment as New Robot Robot Resources Executive Must Fire A Robot For First Time
Cheney Thrilled As Brand New Extra High Collar Black Cape Finally Arrives
Mountain Expedition Postponed Due to Incredible Cuteness of Kitten Sitting in Boot
After Long Struggle, Berlusconi Finally Sedated, "Fixed"
Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Curiously, Intermittent Organ Meats
Friday, May 12, 2006
OSAMA BIN LADEN NABBED AS A RESULT OF MONITORED PHONE CALL TO YOUR MOMMA
Pig, Fourth in Line of Succession, Sent to the Chop
MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY BUYS HOUSE WITH CASH
Sony Unveils New Robot to Help Disabled and Fire It's Employees
Tree Falls on Missed Quarterly Earnings
In Today's Opinions, by Richard Cohen: I Believe the Only Real Humor Comes From Truly Professional Newspaper Journalism
CORRECTION: Middle Class Family Watches "House" With Cats
RUMSFELD VIGOROUSLY DEFENDS TOM CRUISE
The Hard Work and Dreams of A Small Nebraska Town Collapse As Visitor Points Out New $150 mil Crab Processing Plant Is Kind of Far From Ocean
Exasperated Stock Analyst: Stocks Just Keep Dropping and Going Up Again
SPORTS: Supersonics Now Threatening to Leave Seattle
Every Morning at 9 AM Sharp
BREAKING NEWS:
ENRAGED POLAR BEARS SUDDENLY BURST IN AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF FORMER EXXON CEO
Thursday, May 11, 2006
University of Michigan Study of Cash, Credit Cards Using Spectography, Sophisticated 3-d Imaging and Lasers Suggests Value Purely "Cultural"
Adorable Kitten Appeals to Menacing Doberman With Endearing "Mew"
Missing Larder Found in Freezer
Congress Moves to Simplify Consumer Life By Enacting
Mandatory Brand Identification at Birth
Disney Line Opens "Uncle Milton's Paradise Lost" Cruises
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Season's First Hurricane Goes Straight for Katherine Harris
As a Stolen, Speeding Cement Mixer Takes a Sudden Shortcut Through An Atlanta Suburb, An Adorable Kitten Walks Calmly out of the Way
Bush Still Popular Among Mother
CNN REPORTS APPEARANCE OF STUNNING BLOND
IRANIAN PRESIDENT WRITES BUSH, DEMANDING ALL MUPPETS BE KILLED
Alaskan Community Leaders, Designers, Travel Executives Meet to Hammer Out Plan for Club Med Egegik
Warbler Bunnies Sing Long and Sweetly Into Spring Twilight
Abercrombie and Jesus Congregation Clogs Ballard
University of Michigan Scientists Prove Rembrandt's Dark Backgrounds and Distinctive Style Came From Rabies and He Usually Copied Slides
Chris Tucker To Expand Definition of "Putz"
New H4 Hummer Hybrid Features Internal Contradiction Engine
Monday, May 08, 2006
Provoked By Tantalizing Descriptions, NSA Agents Raid Detroit House, Wrest Mrs. Tallochi's Secret Super Incredible Fudge Kooshies Recipe From Her Cold, Dead Hands
Mosul Man Exasperated as Suicide Bombers Target His New Slurpee
Machine Twice
Forboding Vortex of Evil Devours East Bay Notions Shop
Democratic Senators Trapped For Weeks on Pedestrian Island
Major Real Estate Investor Depressed as Verbal Abuse of Employees Loses Its Zing
Bill Gates Stopped Cold By Hello Kitty
World's Greatest Lover Reportedly World's Worst Actuary
Tom Cruise In Negotiations To Star in Home Alone VI on Lifetime
FEMA ANNOUNCES IT'S 3-POINT BIRD FLU PLAN:
SCREAM, WAVE ARMS, AND RUN AWAY
Giant Kitten Loses Muttons
Daffodils, Fluffy Bunnies and Bluebirds "Exasperated"
Darfur Agreement Vows "Steady Reduction" in Machine-Gunning Starving Farmers
POLL: BUSH REMAINS VERY POPULAR AMONG SENIOR MEN WHO YELL AT CHILDREN REGARDING UNAUTHORIZED LAWN PRESENCE
Delaware "Through Being Cool"
IN TODAY'S OPINIONS: This Was NOT Your Oil Tanker to Drag Race Into Rotterdam in the First Place
Today's Hi-Tech Cuisine Feature: San Jose's Posh Mechanique Offers
Lightly Blackened Robot Sprockets in a Delicate Plum Reduction Sauce
Expensive Leather Jacket Suffers as Adorable Kitten Finds Shoulder Perch Impressive, But Unreliable
South Park Creators Help Nice Old Lady Cross Street
COMING UP ON HEADLINES: Why Your Outwardly Cheerful But Resentful Parakeet May Be Scheming to Sell Your Daughter's Image to the Pornographers
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Bi-gendered Bivalves Seek Quadrasexual Marriage
Epidemiologists Remind America There is Also a Serious Bird Snot Problem
Rumsfeld Notes Developing Security Threats in Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, and Italy
Adorable Kittens Secure Prime Tuna Bits With Apt Cuteness Display
University of Michigan Scientists Bio-Engineer Enzyme Which Erases Signature Ink on Sexual Harassment of Graduate Students Consent Decree
Bush Found Under Desk, Surrounded By Scores Of Empty Butterscotch Pudding Cups
While True Machine Intelligence Proves Elusive, Sophisticated New Robot Does Shed Real Skin Flakes
Beck Tickles Feckless Heckler
Killer Bees Turn People's Witness, Released in Plea Deal
Achievable Aims Tribal Chiefs Perform Limeade-Making Ritual
Pizza Hut Faces Crisis as Possible Cheese Stuffing Pie Areas Grow Scarce
German Geneticists Reinvent The Veal
Saturday, March 25, 2006
University of Michigan Study: No "Hope" for "Dead"
Vicious Marketing Press Gang Rounds Up Free Verse Poets for Copy
Jimmy Kimmel Grows Slightly Funnier While Sucking Life-Force Out of Sarah Silverman
FBI Subpoenas Much More Porn
Chorus Over Rumsfeld Performance Grows
Study: American Robots Unwilling to Perform Tasks Like Inexpensive Mexican Robots
Adorable Kittens Fight Extradiction to Bathtub
Hot British Band Arctic Monkeys Threatened by Deadly Combination of Global Warming and iTunes
In Today's Opinions, by Jack Abramoff: " The True Fault Here is With the Undue Influence of Money in Political Campaigns, Plus the Dangerously Low Price of Whores and Cocaine."
Onion Staff Suffused With Rue
D.C. Buzzes with Possible VEEP Replacement of
Dick Cheney by Simon Barsinister
WALMART SWEATS PROFITS AS REDNECK FUTURES
RISE TO 5.79 AN HOUR
Bay Area Housing Crisis Drives Economist to Palo Alto
Looking to Future, Florida Presses Forward With Submersible Bus System
Related: Lower East Side To Become Much Like East River
Monday, February 20, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
University of Michigan Research Musicologists Discover Gwen Stefani Simply Too Adorable To Critique Her Fairly Okay Dance Music
CHASTENED ROBOTS UNAWARE OF LOCAL ANTI-BEEPING ZONING RESTRICTIONS
Adorable Kittens Insistently Plead Case for Dead Mouse
Don Rumsfeld Insists The Macarena Is THE Dance Craze for 2006
Socialist Parking Attendant Unfairly Targets Ford F-350 Extended Cab
In Today's Opinions', By Former Dictator Augusto Pinochet: "If I could only get off this Barco-lounger, I would surely throw you from a C-130 and bury you in the Stadium"
Baby Ring Seals Overwhelm Hunters with Sustained, Accurate Automatic Weapons Fire
Seattle Concerns Over Moisture Well-Founded
Friday, January 27, 2006
Bat Rights Organization Condemns "Rightsideupism"
GOP Congressional Panel Convenes To Discredit Female Orgasm
Boise-Area Communist Proud of Communal Breakfast Nook
Depressed Onion Staff Going Through Comedy Motions
Fancy New Bush Orb and Scepter Meets With Skepticism
Thursday, January 26, 2006
HULK SMASH WATERBED PRICES
Rove: Children are Our Most Precious Parent-Frightening Resource
Enormous Alien Invasion Fleet Simply Passes Earth By To Raid Precious Gas From Methane People on Neptune
Bush Enrages Bermudan Ambassador
In Today's Opinions, By Auguste Pinochet's Daughter Lucia - There's No Reason for the U.S. to Deny Me Political Asylum or a Liquor License
Dick Cheney Stares Angrily At Bac-O-Bits On Potato Salad
Adorable Kittens Hatch Plot to Exit Grocery Bag
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
At Pentagon Bash, Cheney Dons Traditional Black Santa Suit, Cape and Ceremonial Christmas Cattle Prod
BEAUTIFUL TV INTERN SAVED IN CAR CRASH WHEN WELL-TIMED OBSEQUIEOUS COMMENT SWELLS BILL O'REILLY'S HEAD TO UNUSUAL SIZE, PROVIDING SOFT PILLOW-LIKE ANTI-INJURY CUSHIONING
Adorable Robots Mercilessly Destroyed By Adorable Kittens
(LEFT) Man Shows Off Caucasian Friend
Faced With Economic Isolation, President of Iran Clarifies He Was Just Denying The Whole of Costco
Salmon Rushdie Still in Hiding From Student Loan Fatwah
Carson Daly Voted Top Unfunny TV Robot Who is Indifferent to Women
In Today's Opinions, By The Joker: I May Actually BE the Joker, But I Still Can't Help But Wonder What Joker is Actually Running this Country
Coming Up on Headlines Weather: The Rare Mountaintop Tsunami- Why Montanna May Be At Risk
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
POLLS' COLLAPSE WORRIES ROVE ABOUT POSSIBLE INSURGENCY IN DUMBFUCKISTAN
Heavily Marked Draft of 1998 Document Containing All of George Bush's Future Speeches Unearthed in D.C. Barbeque Place Restroom
President of Iran Furiously Demands Tiny Invisible Jewish Robots Immediately Leave His Head
Adorable Kittens' Nefarious Plans Flumoxed By Well-Secured Knitting Box
Madonna to Radically Reinvent Herself As A Songwriter Creating Original, Artistically Challenging Dance Music
RUMSFELD ADDRESSES RICECAKE STALENESS PROBLEM WITH IMMEDIATE ACTION
Mick Jagger Reflects on the Impact on Rolling Stones' Performances When Counterpoint was Developed in the 12th Century
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
DETROIT CRISIS AS ROBOT WORKERS DEMAND SCHEDULED MAINTAINANCE
Reacting to Polls, Bush Pays Undocumented Mexican to Sob Quietly to Himself on His Behalf
Nations of World Working Together to Thwart
Inexaustibly Lame Marriage Plans of Uma Thurman to Some Pansy Hotel Billionaire
WTO Director Condemns 'Irrational, Anti-Free Trade' Tariffs on Inexpensive
Romanian Breast Implants
Violent Explosion Distracts Area Employees From Meaningless Tasks Just Long Enough to Make Them Question the Whole Value of Their Careers
In a Theological Debate Expected to Intrigue and Yet Creep Out Billions, Angelina Jolie Taunts Pope Benedict to No-Ref Face-Off at Wrestlemania XXII
Adorable Kittens Consider Branch
In Today's Opinons, by Maxwell Smart: It is High Time That K.A.O.S. Was Held Accountable for The Many Recent U.S. Intelligence Failures and Fiascos
Rumsfeld Pushes to Award Bachman Turner Overdrive "Medal of Freedom" for National Service as "The Paramount Musical Group of the 1970's and Beyond"
Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Sloshes to Car Window When Cut off By Ford F 350 Pickup At Key Bellevue Exit, Leaving Oily Streak
Only Hammer Unsuited to Particular Nailing Task
Monday, December 12, 2005
Both Spectacular Success and Catastrophic Failure
Chastened Reindeer Visits Grandma in Rehab
RUMSFELD PREPARES FOR POSSIBLE ACTION AGAINST IRAN BY ROOTING OUT SUSPECTED FARSI SPEAKERS FROM ARMY AND ENGAGING IN EXTENSIVE JUNGLE WARFARE EXERCISES
Rolling Stones Guitarist Talks About Early Sessions With Mammoth Bone Flute
Ambitious Marketers Unveil Robot Consumer With 4000 Times the Purchasing Desire of Ordinary Human Shoppers
Speeding Cement Truck Brakes Suddenly to Allow Adorable Kittens to Cross Street at Leisurely, Kittenly Stroll
SUNDAY MORNING NFL: Seahawks' Tatupu Sacks Leafblower Idiot at 6:30 am
Friday, December 09, 2005
Thursday, December 08, 2005
U.S. Hopes Rise as Starbucks Asserts Control Over Falujah
Teenage Rumsfeld Nieces Again Requested to Thank Uncle Don for XMAS Gift of Pink Socks With Little Bears on Them, 8th Year in a Row
Pentagon: Iraq Success "Within Reach," When Redefined as "Lack of Success"
Hikers Report Oregon Bigfoot's Frustrated Bellows as Job Outsourced to Cheaper Tibetan Yeti
Killer Bee Gees Relentlessly Sting Target Shoppers With 70's Hits
A Curious Fact! Hilarious Sarah Silverman (Above, Left) Persists In Dating Somewhat Overweight, Much Less Funny Men Other Than Myself
Orthodox 110-Volt, 220-Volt Hardware Sects Condemn Forbidden Robot Love Affair
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE HEALTH CARE COSTS CUT WITH FREE SODIUM PENTATHOL SHOTS
Absolut Vodka Underwrites Musical Scholarship for Advanced Study of the Renaissance Lut
In TODAY'S OPINIONS: ALTHOUGH POTENTIALLY DELCIOUS, WE SHOULD RETHINK OUR PLANS FOR REPAIRING THE DILAPADATED ALASKAN WAY VIADUCT WITH COLUMNS OF PRESSED HAM
Coming Up on Headlines: A Rare and Beautiful Argentinian Butterfly
Obsessed With Homicide
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Crazy Street Man Study: Orders from Celine Dion Song to Burn Down a Fred Meyer Create Obvious Conflict With Previous Instructions From Mind-Reading CIA Bats
Pieces "Simply Fall Off" as Dick Cheney Reportedly Wearing Out His Lego "Middle East"
Attractive Blond College Girl Is Reported Missing From CNN
In Non Peer-Reviewed Research Incident, An Intelligent Design Scientist Crawls into Cage, Is Beaten By Gorilla
Hygenic Physicists Back "Floss Theory"
Coming Up on Headlines: The Bird Flu- And Many More Reasons to Hate Birds
Monday, December 05, 2005
Chickens Cross the Wrong Man
(ABOVE) Fresh from Radical Medical Procedure, Kim Jong IL Reviews North Korean Troops
Atkins Insurgents Radicalize, Destroy Pop-Tart Factory in Suicide Dining
Extraordinary Americans Taunt Ordinary Americans
AG Fitzgerald Subpoenas Damning Rove "Bury Wilson" Post-It
Top Theologians Speculate on What Carpenter Jesus Said Upon Striking His Own Thumb With a Hammer
In Today's Opinions: "Memo to San Francisco Yacht Club: Get that Skanky Ass Crack Ho Out of My Face!"
White House Furniture Overturned as Small But Undeniable Fact Chases Bush Around Oval Office
Robot Union Willing to Accept Power Cut
Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Daughter's New Death Metal Obsession May Obscure the More Disturbing Problem with Your Son
Thursday, November 03, 2005
TAKEN OVER ACTUAL RUNNING OF AMERICA
LONELY SCIENTISTS THRILLED AS KEY INFRARED SATELLITE TESTS
SUCCESSFULLY LOCATE ANGELINA JOLIE
Maureen Dowd Gaily Tosses Pink Roses Into Trash as She Laughs Off Pathetic
Attempt by David Brooks to Request Date
PENTAGON TIGHT-LIPPED AS AL QAIDA OUTBIDS RUMSFELD AT LAST MINUTE FOR CONTROL OF BASRA IN EBAY DEBACLE
Malemute puppy strike force seizes control of Pampers box from adorable kittens
Light-headed Cheney Revived with Tang and Fresh Unicorn Blood
In Today's Opinions: This Convienient Parking Space is Reserved Not for Me Alone and My Own Unworthy Comfort, But By the Unconquerable Will of the Almighty
Nero Plays Guitar in San Diego While Rome Floods
Saturday, September 24, 2005
GOD'S ATTORNEY DERSHOWITZ POINTS TO WRATH OF NEPTUNE
Crisis Spurs Exploratory Drilling in Ann Coulter's Pants
Estimate: $100 Billion To Return Whitey To The Moon
Adorable Kitteens Flee New Orleans
Unemployed Lumberjacks Felling Shrubbery
Cheney Pushes "Endanger Species" Act
Texas Family Trapped as Hummer Too Embarassing to Drive
Moose Tramples Chuck E. Cheese Actor In Front of Terrified Yet Giggling Children
Robot Scientists from University of Robots Urge Immediate Action to Replace Incompetent Federal Officials With Qualified Robots
Coming Up on Headlines: Storm of Administration Incompetence at Category 5 on the Brownie Scale
Thursday, September 08, 2005
MICHAEL BROWN SENDS CORRECTED MEMO THAT THE ATLANTIC LIES TO THE EAST
White House: Bush Not Informed Clearly Until Tuesday That Katrina Was a Furious Hurricane, Rather Than A Curious Sugar Cane
Cheney Reports Several Thousand Louisiana Republicans Are Particularly Safe
Rumsfeld Sent to Make Bayou A Quagmire
Partial Transcript of Bush's Federal Katrina Investigation:FEMA delivers 400,000 Flashlights to The Night of The Johnstown Flood
George W.: And what was I doing at the time?
President: I was talking to the folks about my Medicaid plan in Arizona, so we can get drugs to the Seniors who need them.
George W. That's an important thing to do for Americans.
President. They need drugs. That's why my Administration is making them mandatory. But not illegal drugs that rape our children.
George W. We all need drugs. And that's why I was there in California too.
President: I played guitar in California, because I cared about the people facing tragedy, so I didn't want to distract them by playing guitar in Louisiana. They have people to do that there.
George W. A tragedy no one could have anticipated?
President. It was one that no one could have anticipated before it happened.
George W. And when it happened, it was terrible.
President. It happened terribly for all Americans. And I get that. I understand. Stop telling me.
George W. So there is nothing more I could have done?
President. No one who could not of thought of anything never did. And they're doing a great job, helping Americans who need the help more than other Americans. I mean it was an attack of Mother Nature.
George W. That's obvious. The time for planning is now.
Adorable Kittens Saved by Minor Celebrity
EPA Declares Large Areas of Nation "Unsafe for Etouffe"
Thursday, August 25, 2005
3rd ATTEMPTED RESCUE OF ADORABLE KITTEN FAILS; KITTEN OK
Stung By Bat-Rash, Batman Demands Pharmaceutical Accountability
DON RUMSFELD FIXATED ON DENNY'S MENU
Robot Driver Obsessively Checking Service Number in Line at DMV
In Humiliating Hollywood Ceremony, Micheal Eisner Stripped of Rank
Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill in Condi Rice's Name, Address on Hundreds of Sketchy Internet Sites
Angelina Jolie Bringing Critical Hotness to Sub-Saharan Africa
Evangelical Counseling Program Convinces Meterosexual to Stop Moisturizing
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Flavor-Flav Favors Bio-Flavanoids
Correction: Adorable Kittens NOT Killed By
Warm Sunny Spot
Laid-Off Lumberjack Fells Money Tree Shop
Stung By Gas Prices, Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Regrets Impulse Purchase Ford Excurison
Giant Warrior Robots Destroying San Diego Slowed With Tracking Cookies
Pizza Hit Opens Calzone Hovel
Don Rumsfeld Buys Washington Redskins, Insists Team of 6 Against NY Giants Sufficient
Friday, August 19, 2005
HAT MAKER WINS 50-YARD HABERDASH
Pope Tangles With Batman Over Contraception
Robot Appreciation Day Killed in Senate
U.S. Air Force to Soften Image With Warmth-Seeking Kitten Missiles
As Crash Beckons, Paul Krugman Offers to Buy Lunch
Appealing Fresh Packet of Socks Entices Spontaneuous Change of Socks in Car
Using Special Equipment, Bush Photographed Emiting "Crazy Rays"
After Carelessly Handling New 'Nitro-Cola,' A Respected New York Times Reporter Explodes
OPINION: Your SUV is Hilarious
Thursday, August 18, 2005
New XBOX will Also Fold Laundry
Pope Benedict, Brushing Aside Accusations of Excess Conservatism, Floats an Inquisition Trial Balloon
Tucker Carlson Dominates Pan-International Fuck-Off Competition
OPINION: Don't Make Me Come Over There
Adorable Kittens Not Feeling the Love
University of Michigan Scientists Identify Gene That Causes Dissatisfaction with Mechanistic Determinism
Robot Misses Old BKI-07893-C Attachment
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Michael Caine Honored But Saddened By His Ceremonial Blowing Up of Dilapidated IKEA
RUMSFELD: Iraq is 'Made of Butterscotch Pudding'
Onion Editorial Staff Enjoying 1987 Algebra Video
Leaving a Trail of Dead and Wounded Innocents Across Mexico, A Cornered Ken Lay Guns It Out with Mexican Police in a Chihuahua Whorehouse
Scientists Identify Gene In Women Which Inhibits Their Dating of Scientists
Rootbeer Dam Bursts, Flooding Ice Cream Hill
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Significant Embarassment Associated with Sudden Catastrophic Failure of Pocket-Pro Insta-Tent
Botched Skittles Promotional Airdrop Annoys Thousands with Mild Bruises, Colorful Sticky Bits in Hair
Adorable Kittens Avoid Responsibility by Hiding in Box
OPINION: Angelina Jolie May Be the Hottest Woman in the World, But That Doesn't Mean Brad Pitt Should Cast Aside His Sacred Commitment to Another Famous Celebrity
New Robotic Auto-Machete Will Make Old Genocidal Frenzy Obsolete
Bush's 2nd Place Finish in Rodeo Ascribed to 'Fancy-Ridin'' Butler
Coming Up on Headlines: Why "The Onion" Isn't Bothering to Sue Us
Sunday, July 24, 2005
WTO Ruling Will Force Anime Noses to be Drawn Properly
Golf Win Celebrated With Real Estate Bubbly
That Genetically Reconstituted Mammoth's in Henderson's Tomatoes Again
CAMP FOLLOWERS OFFER CROMWELL S'MORES
Bush Insists on Fax
Invalid's Parking Validated
Key Paragraph On Rebuilding '72 Datsun Carborator Ruined By What Appears to be Dried Orange Tang
Adorable Kittens Make a Break for Door, Then Are Distracted by Small Piece of Paper
Justin the Hun Maurauding No One Except That Blond Chick at Abercrombie
OPINION: The View At the Summit of Everest Was Fine But Not Worth 4 Fingers and My Lower Left Leg
Dude 'Invades Cutedatenland'
Accidental Consumer Survey of Wild Gibbons Last Year at Alderwood Zoo May Have Adversely Affected This Year's Hollywood Offerings
Saturday, July 16, 2005
VA Tech Student Clara Littleton Poses With "Awesome" Patriotic Sculpture by Karl Rove
Karl Rove Wows Crowds at State Fair Carving Patriotic Eagle Sculptures in Butter
Robot Politician Nabbed in Sex Scandal With 1500 HP Self-Propelled Compactor
AFL-CIO Loses SEIU, Gains NFL, ABC, and AOL
Mint Farm Gets Fresh Subsidies
Starbucks Blimp Cafe Will Tap Wide Open Unused Airspace Coffee Market
Attempted Tryst Fails With Card Rejections at Motel 6 Check-In Counter
Kuwait Adopts Dust Bunny as National Symbol
Artist Traps Escaping Mouse With 8 Foot Nude Painting (True!)
Bush Crashes Bicycle into Stray Homo Habilis
Today's Tomorrow's Headlines:
Patriotic as Eagle Butter
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
DULL SENATE FINANCE HEARING ERUPTS INTO CONGA LINE OF THE DAMNED
Robot Scientists Report Puny Humans Weakened By Pathetic Feelings of Love
Waterproof Cell Phone Can Now Ruin Relaxing Baths
WHITE HOUSE COUNTERS THAT LIKE ALL PATRIOTIC AMERICANS, KARL ROVE IS PREPARED TO BETRAY HIS COUNTRY WHEN IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT
Overzealous Prosecutor Indicts Tacoma
Rehnquist Quitting For Lifelong Dream of Becoming Shiatsu Massage Therapist
Adorable Kittens Briefly Feel Ignored Before Getting Picked Up and Placed in Coffee Mug for Amusing Photo Shoot
Recently Appointed Top US Navy Commander Captain Morgan Introduces Wildly Popular New Behavior Protocols
Face Stomping Postponed Due to Ass Whoopin'
Pastors Criticize "Unproven 'Theory'" of Aeronautics
Loss of 8 Year Old's Barbie Malibu Set Blamed for Family Economic Catastrophy
Continent of Europe Now Drifting Even Faster
Purchase of $2 Gallon Can of Tomato Sauce At Costco Seems Whimsical in Retrospect
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Hopes For Demos Grow as Passing Angelina Jolie Raises JFK From The Dead
A Humbled Rumsfeld Bids
Welcome To Our Robot Overlords
UNIVERSAL EXPORTS DENIES EMPLOYING ANY "JAMES BOND"
BUSH TAPS CHILDHOOD FRIEND FOR SUPREME COURT, AN IMAGINARY PRO-LIFE SOCK MONKEY NAMED BINKLES
NIPPLES IMPLIED
Adorable Kittens Mum Over Holes in Drapes
POLAR BEAR GANG SUSPECTED IN BIG SEAL MEAT HEIST
Brick House Laid Flat By Sweet Talk and Tequilla Shots
Roofing Contractor's Dog Repeatedly Reroofing
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Groton, CN: U.S. Navy Experimenting With 200 HP Female Condom
WALMART HEIR'S BODY BURIED, INCLUDING 5000 ASSOCIATES
Commander Numbnuts Sensitive To Coarse Remarks
IGNORING SCHEDULING REQUESTS, BUSH FINDS UNIBROW REGROWING
Wobbly News Satellite Sends Back Unusually Ambigious Commentary
Dick Cheney Strangles Hippy Puppy
CARGO SHIP M/V NEPTUNE'S DAUGHTER SAVES ITSELF FROM WATERY DOOM BY UNLOADING 400 CONTAINERS OF EXTRA ABSORBENT PAPER TOWELS AT KEY MOMENT
Investigators Peg Small Boy Whose Repeated Beachside Shennanigans May Have Caused Deadly Tsunami
Bat, Wombat Represent
Adorable Kittens Stare at Postman
01000101001011100010010 Defeats Truman
Hiker Fleeing Ferocious Bear Run Over By Cement Mixer
OPINION: You Think You Run the Tacoma Best Buy Laptop Accessories Department, But Mister You Have No Idea
Officer Stripped of Rank Amateurism
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Golfing, Drinking, And Shady Real Estate Deal Charter School Worries Some Parents
New 42" HDTV Screen Just Seems to Magnify Low Quality of Writing
Robot Questions Need For Complimentary Bath Assortment
U.S. General in Kyrgykystan Looking Forward to Some Sort of Important Emergency
Cheney Tables Plans to Vaporize French Children With Death Ray
SUDDEN MAGMA FLOW TAKES LAST OF THE COLD BEERS
Friday, June 17, 2005
Release of Captive Donuts Into the Wild Cheers Wolf Cops
Physicists Hypothesize Newly Discovered Anti-Anti Matter
is Strangely Not Pro-Matter
Review: Symphony Composed By Admittedly Talented Baby Predicatably Builds on Repeated Crying, Goo-Gooing Phrases
Rumsfeld Insists Styx Cassettes Are An Appropriate Pre-Teen Birthday Gift
Controversy Brews Over Seattle Plan to Replace
Sections of I-90 With New Blimpway
Barrista Taints Bill O'Reilly's Latte With Small Amount of Disgusting Raspberry Flavoring
OPINION: And I so I Apologize Again, But After 30 days Adrift in the Pacific in a Self-Inflating Raft, the Waterbed Just Seemed like Extra Weight
Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Real Estate Bubble in California May Burst Due to Geologic Rather Than Market Forces
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Philadelphia Bond Attorney Jason Clortman Prepares to
Measure Available Square Footage
National Command Authority Missile Launch Codes Left in Bicycling Pants
Robots May Lose Robot Vision From Excessive Self-Disagnostic Checks
Iran Admits Focus Group Testing Nuke Marketing Program
Fuzzy Bunnies Amazed By Abandoned Day-Pack Full of Carrots
Dick Cheney Volunteers for Habit for Inhumanity, Building New Land Mine Plant
Sex Scandal Spokane Mayor Encouraged By Jackson Verdict
Adorable Kittens Sleeping Peacefully in Comfy Shotgun Case
Alaska Senator Stevens Forces Venice Biennialle Move to Eielson Air Force Base
Goth Chick Forced to Wrap Birthday Present
OPINION: Look, Just Because We Have 5000 Metric Tons of Sarin Doesn't Mean We're Not "People" People
Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Target Barnes and Noble Shelves with "Operation Moustache"
Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Massive California Offshore Earthquake May Be the Least of Your Problems
Monday, June 13, 2005
RAPLH NADER DECRIES INSATIABLE "SUPERHERO-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX"
OPINION: Although Your Suggestion That We "Open the Hatch Now and Escape the Giant Brain-Sucking Snake" is Appreciated, Perhaps We Should All Calm Down and Consider That This Might Be Oxygen-Deprivation Talking
Shots Fired as Starbucks Troops Surround Independent Coffee House
Adorable Kittens Feast on Kibbles Entrails
Experimental Bay Area Bio-Fuel Car Runs on KY Jelly
Socialist Girlfriend Demands Man Return Coor's Light 12 Pack
Old Navy Enlists Coldplay in "Morose Capris" Campaign
Congress May Ban "Public Displays of Disaffection"
An Exultant Bush Beams With Pride as 'Little Helper Wheels' Removed From Bicycle
IN RADICAL CONSERVATION MOVE, U.S. TO CRACK DOWN ON JUST DRIVING AROUND
OPINION: No, I Don't Have the Keys, Darling, Maybe They Fell in The Couch While You Were Making Out With That Hideous Alien
University of Michigan Study: Plump New Breasts May Pay for Themselves in Average 23 Months With Reduced Traffic Fines
Disappointed Roofing Contractor Cancels Graham Cracker Tile Contract
Coming Up on Headlines: Your Future Bio-Cybernetic Dog Will Conveniently Pee Carpet Freshener
Saturday, June 04, 2005
China, India Outsourcing Each Other: Chinese Confusing Sprint Customers as India Becomes Largest U.S. Supplier of Crappy Plastic Things
Market Special Forces Take Out Nurse's Union
Yet Another Hackey-Sack Injury Sends Dick Cheney to Emergency Room
Latest Bear Finding: Cars With Fat People In Them Often Contain More Nachos
Bush Attempt at Root Beer Float Goes Awry As Ice Cream Ball Keeps Turning Over, Resisting Fumbling Attempts At Scooping With Flimsy Plastic Spoon
Conservative NYT Columnist David Brooks Termed "4-Eyes", Repeatedly Kicked In Back of Knee By Resentful Punk Rock Girl
Opinion: Although I'm Enjoying Your Lap Dancing, Miss, You Don't Necessarily Need to Keeping Slapping Yourself There In Particular
Fooled By Apparent Ease of Chase, Adorable Kittens Stalking Tuna Can
University of Michigan Political Scientists Report French Oddly Reluctant to Give Up Idyllic Lifestyle, Democractic Control of State Policies To Further Enhance Massive Transnational Private Equity Funds
Starbucks Offering Canned 10W -40 Mochachino For Urban Robots on the Go
View of Intriguing Uma Thurman Louis Vuitton Ad Partly Obscured By Habernot Systems Mark VI 15,000 Ton Self-Assembling Derrick Crane
Family Coronary Tragedy Forces Pizza Parlor To Reconsider Free Cheesy Breadstick and Extra Cheese Dipping Sauce Promotion
Rebuttal: Don't Tell Me You Don't Love It
Pentagon Intrigued By Flexible, Colorful Lego Missile Platform
Coming Up on Headlines Familes: Just Because Daddy Muffed His Parole Hearing Doesn't Necessarily Mean He Won't Be Coming Home
Friday, June 03, 2005
Pie Futures Unstable as U.S. Rhubarb Supply Critical
Cosmonaut Returns to Outlet Mall
Envelope Coveted
CNN Debuts "The Explosions Minute"
Hostage Takes Hostages To Demand Release of Hostages Such as Himself
Adorable Kittens Hide Under Couch Ready to Attack Naked Ankles
History Recap: Deep Throat Had Revealed U.S. Secret That Nixon Was a Cynical, Warmongering, Racist Son of a Bitch
Hagen-Daz Cookie Dough-for-Plutonium Scandal Drives Ice Cream Sales Down
Seven Chinese Brothers Sued For Illegal Ocean Swallowing
Hulk's Couch Surfing Has Superfriends Seeking Bigger Apartment
Coming Up in Science Headlines: Hormone-Mimic Chemical Pollution Crisis
Upside May Be Bigger Tits
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Analysts Worry That Death of Saudi King Might Lead Citizens to Support Terrorism
RELIEF AS AMERICAN 737-700 CRASHES GENTLY AND DELICIOUSLY INTO COTTON CANDY FACTORY
Experts Say Excessively Hot Angelina Jolie Must Be Banned By FCC
Adorable Kittens Demand The Vote, Then Fall Asleep in Sunbeam
Clerk Looks Forward to Summer Career at Office Depot
"Last Clang" as 47,000 Workers Laid Off When Last Boeing Bell Factory in Seattle's Belltown Closes
LATEST REPORT: Wiggams, That Fed Ex Better Be Here By 4:30
University of Michigan Study: Disobedient Boy Responsible for World Hunger
Marketers Sign on Tony Danza for Big DY-1507 Shaft Flange Campaign
Coming Up on Headlines: How a Simple Cheeseburger Threw Carrot Top Into Despair
Friday, May 27, 2005
BOLTON DEMANDS NOMINATION PASSAGE OR HE WILL BEAT UP LITTLE GIRL
US Attack Sub Collides With Uncharted Big Rock Candy Mountain
Rumsfeld Insists Farah Fawcett Replacement Cheryl Ladd Was Marked Improvement in Original Charlie's Angels Lineup
University of Michigan Energy Scientists Thrilled at Discovery of Virtually Untapped Source of Research Grants
Extremely Irritating Old Woman Keeps Standing Quietly Nearby
Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Stick Realistic Sphincter Sticker on Yellow Hummer
Adorable Kittens Determine Flushing Handle is Not Friend
FBI Stepping Up Efforts Against Terrorist Hazard of Radical Pro-Bicycling Hippies
LATEST REPORT: Lisa, I Expect the Makita Tools Display to Look Ship-Shape By 4:30
Robot Shoppers Getting Too Friendly With Self-Checkout Machine
Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Expect the Thousands of Artificially Generated Tiny Black Holes To Burn Off into 11th Dimensional Space By Noon