NASA SCIENTISTS REPORT MICHIGAN EXPLORER III HAS LANDED SAFELY IN DETROIT

SOMALI PIRATES GRAB TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

COPS FIND INEBRIATED ALAN GREENSPAN BOTHERING APPLEBY'S CUSTOMERS WITH OBVIOUS PYRAMID SCHEME

PHOENIX: POPCORN GENE INSERTED IN NOW-ESCAPED MICE MAY BECOME ONGOING CATASTROPHY

OBAMA TO DOUBLE TAX ON NASCAR PARAPHERNALIA

HOARD OF ADORABLE KITTENS LEAP ON AND FEROCIOUSLY ATTACK WILLIAM SHATNER'S HEAD

ROBOT-FIXING ROBOT FIXED

CALIFORNIA VOTES TO BAN OWL MARRIAGE

JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN

MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY HILARY CLINTON: DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE