A Colorado Crowd Gathers Into Free Speech Zone Set in Atlanta to Protest Bush Speech in Denver at Noon Three Weeks Ago

IRAQ ALL BETTER NOW

Marketing Exec Misleads Self

SADAAM TO PLAY HIMSELF IN LAW AND ORDER ARRAIGNMENT

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Lacks Sufficient Quarters for Laundry; Too Embarassed to Ask Girl in Sparkly Heart Tee

It is Reported That a Mr. Larry Smogien of LaCross, WI, is Satisfied With His Cable Service

International Golf Cabal Orders U.S. Air Force Napalming of Arctic Taiga

CIA Implanting Roving Wiretaps in Breast Implants

Adorable Kittens Visit Merciless Death From Above on Passing Spider

Surprise Supreme Court Intervention Picks Replacement Illinois GOP Senate Nominee

"LOGIC INDICATES SHE IS NOT 'ALL THAT'" Mullet-Sporting Vulcans Sound Off on Springer Over Green Orion Slave Girl

PRIME RATE SPIKES UP; CHENEY HAD CUSSED OUT GREENSPAN

Family Dog Would Like to Be Fed

Mysterious Epidemic of Companion Rodent Ennui Pushes Hamster Amphetamine Production Into Triple Shifts

Human Brain Reaches Jingle Capacity

Whiffles The US 101st Airbornne Interrogation Clown Getting Results With Sodium Pentathol and Laser Whoppee Cushion

FCC Rules Documentaries Illegal Unless Clearly Mockumentaries

A Small But Growing Number of Entry and Mid-Level Marketing Executives Quietly Begin Worshipping 'Product'

Concern in Rural New Mexico as Farmer Lars Does Not Remember Leaving This Particular Uranium Sorter Outside the Tool Shed

Clams, Already Not Happy Over Foreign Policy, Began Slow, Squishy March on Washington

A Celebrity First: Jeri Ryan Advances Interests of the Democratic Party By Refusing To Attend Sex Party

Iraq Continues to Be Beset by Hundreds of Thousands of Faithful Muslims

Radical Atkins Cell Blows Up Grape Nuts Plant; Resulting Crunch Collapses Apartment Complex, Injures Dozens

Mother Earth Balling Her Pathetic Hippie Eyes Out

Christianne Amanpour Reports On Adorable Jewish Kitten Nursed to Health By Lebanese Golden Retriever

Iran Got Uranium Enricher off Axis of Evil-Bay

Britney Spears To Marry Herself For Legal Reasons

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Light Automatic Weapons Fire, Some RPGS in the Early evening. Outlook for Sunday: Don't Forget Your Body Armor!

Tour Group Sends Urgent Request for A New Translator

Kerry Picks Collin Powell as V.P. PSYCH!!

Lemmings Again Begin Traditional 7 Year Run on Fairbanks Rexall for Prozac

BBC News Admits Long-Term Deception; Will Cease Fakey "British" Accent

17 Year Ciccada Disappointed to Have Wait Another Four Years to Buy Beer

GOLF CULT MOWS SASKATCHEWAN

Drug Company Much Too Shy, Modest to Take Credit for Marketing Government Researched Drugs That Save Lives

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Loses Bouyancy, Sinks: Wicked Migraine

Newark Pugs Rough Up Yorkshire Terrier

Environmental Report: Frankly, You Don't Want to Know, But You Should Probably Be Cutting Down on Your Intake of Atmospheric Oxygen


International Math Panic as X=X Disproven

Phillipine Methodist Church Music Appreciation Function Prepares to Welcome Rocker Phil Collins

IRAN SEIZES BRITISH PATROL BOATS: Thought They Had Candy :<


Belgium Unveils 47mil Euro Plan to Stuff Yet Another Small Country Such as Burkina Faso Between It and France

1998 Meeting In Prague Between Iraq Intelligence Agent and Al Qaeda Operative Was Actually Fairly Egregious Lonely Terrorists Chat Room Misunderstanding

Clinton Reveals Early Driving Ambition To Become Governor of Donuts

On Tonight's INSIDE AMERICA SPECIAL REPORT: Where Did I Just Leave the Bowl of Barbeque Chips?

Popular Indian Radio Show Features Amusing Situations Where Audience Members Call in and Take Turns Confusing and Frustrating American PC Owners

Adorable Kittens Adamantly Refuse to Leave Comfy Blanket

Artist John Mendoza in a Final Happy Moment Before Time Critic Robert Hughes Happened By With Hilarious,Soul-Crushing Aside

News Editor Leads With Smaller But Slightly More Ironic Explosion

Rules Relaxed: First Car on Ferry Will Now Be Permitted to Pretend to Drive Ferry

Supreme Court Ruling Allowing Police to Demand Identity Makes Narrow Exception for Philosophy Majors

Army Will Give Abused Iraqi Prisoners All-Day Water Slide Passes

Ann Coulter Continues to Deny Completely Baseless, Entirely Conjectural Allegations of Manhattan Child Indentured Domestic Servitude Trade as well as False and Spurious Reports of Masturbating to Official Portraits of Bill and Hilary Clinton

Spain Files $534 Trillion Suit in Dade County for Return of North America

Al Qaeda Inflitration of Danish Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team Not Particularly Successful

Mood Induced by Casual Contemplation of Basement May Require Months of Counseling

ALASKA GOVERNOR MURKOWSKI VOWS TO CRUSH THE YUKON

Thelma Removes Spooky Sadaam Mask, Revealing Paul Wolfowitz To Scooby and The Gang; Explains that Weapons of Mass Destruction Were Just Scary Rumors For Frightening Everyone Into Supporting American Military Domination of the Middle East

Bill Clinton Memoir Comes With Racy Trip-Hop Soundtrack

Giant 35 Mile Long Green "HUMID" Letters Floating Over New Orleans

WWII Continues for 17th Straight Year on the History Channel

Adorable Kitten Catastrophically Misjudges Distance to Jump On Table; Does Best to Simply Move On

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Falls Off Atkins Regimen With Tempting Real New York Cheesecake

Rumsfeld Vows To End Violent Intimidation of Iraqi People, Moves Immediately to Tahiti

National Association of Teachers of English Vote to Remove Use of Word "Freedom" Privileges from John Ashcroft

University of Michigan Scientists Determine That Large Research Grants to Major Midwestern Universities Greatly Increase Male Potency

Hummer Driver Stopped in Gridlock is Overcome by Other Drivers Needing Extreme Emergency Restroom

Coming Up on Headlines: Wolfowitz Curses Meddling Kids

Adorable Kittens Struck Speechless as They Watch 9/11 Commissioners Report No Ties Between Sadaam and Al Qaeda

University of Michigan Scientists Make Critical, Breakthrough Discovery Which They Say Is Much Too Depressing for Them to Publish

France Moves to Combat Joie de Vie

PLATO TOLD TO 'GO BACK TO SPARTA'

Utterly Baseless Allegations of Glue-Sniffing, Meth-Smoking Pedophilia Porn Fraud Begin to Haunt Ann Coulter

BREAKING NEWS: QUALITY WATERBEDS ARE NOT AVAILABLE AT NEVER-BEFORE LOW PRICES

Even the Dog Is Grossed Out By This Particular Tennis Ball

15 Year Old Born-Again Girl Elated, Disturbed By Vision of Jesus Rising From The Waters Wearing a Speedo

Massive Oklahoma T-Storms, Tornadoes, Flooding Force Dan Portsmith to Take I-60 to His Asst. Mgr. Job at Blockbuster Instead of the More Scenic Hwy 12

Abandoned Mystery Office Just Contains 80's Era Beige Office Phones and an Dusty Box of Order Forms

Birds Condemn Cats In No Uncertain Terms

Walter Would Like His Hat Back Now

Sailor Suddenly Remembers Where He Left The Car Keys

CIA Reports Decrease In Quality of Intelligence Gained From Radio Monitoring of Brains of Paranoids

LYNCHPIN SNAPS - REPORTED METAPHORICAL, NO INJURIES

Superannuated Ford Excutive Recalls 78,000 Model As

Reforms Proposed By Administration Would Remove Burdensome Regulations Against Businesses' Billing Customers Without Providing Services

Eggplant Surprise More of A Shock

Professor Lets Failing Art Student Slide on Suspicion He Might Be the Next Hitler


Key Harrisburg, PA Events Fail To Meet Standards for National News Coverage

Adorable Kittens Too Tired to Help Clean Up

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Loosen Country Club's Salt Shaker Caps

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Local School May Forced to Hire Dozens of Arsonists

John Kerry Sits for a Portrait By Velasquez; Advised to Ditch Moustache

U.N. APPROVES U.S. IRAQ PLAN: IRAQI CITIZENS WILL RECEIVE COMMEMORATIVE SHREK II AM RADIO WITH EVERY HAPPY MEAL PURCHASE OF $6 OR MORE

President Was Originally To Join Father on Parachute Jump; Secret Service Nixed Plan After Recalling Disaster Averted in 1978 By the Fortuitous Presence of the Texas Giant Haystack Fair

Huge Reagan Likeness To Be Carved Into Greenland Icewall for the Thoughtful Contemplation of His Frozen Cro-Magnon Contemporaries

Israel Refuses to Pay Palestinian Boys $5 million in Gaza Newspaper Delivery Fees

Headline Writer Seeks Professional Position As Presidential Insultant

Hummer Driver Surprised To Be Run Over by Cement Mixer

U.S. Attempts to Cool Deteriorating Situation Outside of Kabul With New "Afghan Warlord Fantasy IV" For GameCube

American Airlines Touts Flexibility of All Flights Cancelled Policy

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill Out Hundreds of Gay Porn Magazine Subscriptions in the Name of John Ashcroft

Robot Scientists at University of Robots Are Taken Aback When Adorable Kittens Sit on Robot Head

Already Stressed by 4th Identical American Airlines Sandwich in a Row, Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Unable to Buckle Seat Belt Properly

Monica Lewinsky Finally Buys Hummer

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Whatever it is, Your Flight is Cancelled

Golf Test Program Reduces TV Casualties From Lethal Boredom

Administration Addresses Deficit with Plucky Sleuthing That Will Unlock the Secret to the Ghost Pirate's Treasure

Reagan to Appear on $14 Bill, Hailed as $5 Better than a $9 Bill (-apologies to the great Walt Kelly)

Outrageous Enron Tapes Inspire Republican Calls For suppression of Enron Tapes

Outrageous Torture Memos Inspire Republican Calls for Suppression of Torture Memos

West Village Virus Symptoms Include Lethargy, Affected Indifference, and Recurring Prada Account

Ann Coulter Takes It All Off For Playgirl

Outrageous Kama Sutra Positions Inspire Republican Calls for Suppression of Positions and Printing of Extra Copies

Adorable Kittens Maintain Determined Vigilance on Window Sill

Traffic Light Misjudgment by Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Leaves Buick Stuck in Mid-Intersection

Scientist To Correct Widespread Public Misperception With Nifty Poster

REAGAN LEGACY CELEBRATED AS SIGNIFICANT REDUCTION IN FELONY INDICTMENTS OVER NIXON ADMINISTRATION

Creationists Admit Jesus Fish Car Sticker Evolution

Dancing Banned in Wasilla, AK: Not Immoral, Just of Very Poor Quality

Fire Used As Opportunity to Fire Firefighters

Congoans Politely Thank U.S. For 2000 Ton Shipment of Bubble Gum Tape

It is Revealed that Britany Spears' Speaking Voice Also Goes Out When Electricity's Off

Copyright Infringement: Bats Sue Wombats, Batman, Former Nation of Batvia

Markets Near Collapse as Property Manager Caves on Faucet Repair

Trace Environmental Litigants Threaten Endangered Legal Eagle

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Interoffice Tornadoes

REAGAN PASSES AWAY AT 237

EMBARASSMENT AT NORMANDY COMMEMORATION AS BUSH CONTINUALLY REFERS TO "THEE" DAY

Republicans Work to Replace Roosevelt on Dime - New 10 Cent Piece Will Feature Teddy Ruxpin

Club Yachtsman Predicts Strong Off-Shore Cash Flow

President Vows to Re-Unite Europe and America With Vigorous Program to Reduce Continental Drift

Rigorous Rationalization of Bride's Maid Dress Selection to Be Published in Physics Review

Catholic University Squleches Academic Freedom- Nixes Course Hot-To-Trot 257

Conservative Undergraduate Protests C+ In Intermediate Sculpture

POPE MEETS DOPE

TENET FINALLY ABLE TO PURSUE CAREER IN INTERPRETIVE DANCE

Bush At Vatican: "Looks Like Some Graffiti Guy Got Your Ceiling."

GODZILLA SIZED MONSTER DEER STOPS IN SEARCHLIGHTS BEFORE SCAMPERING OVER CHICAGO

Political Cartoonist Tires of Drawing Large Sacks of Money

S.F. Dognappers Had Stubbornly Refused to Let the Dogs Out

Dick Cheney Repeatedly Dive-Bombed By Cheap Toupee

Mayor Bloomberg Declares War on 3rd Graders

DOW GAINS ON REPORTS OF WAL MART MURDERING EMPLOYEES

Bush Asks Aide: "What Are all These French People Doing in Normandy?"

New Presidential Nominee To Address Libertarian Party Convention

PRESIDENT ARRIVES IN ROME - EXPRESSES DELIGHT AT MEETING REAL ROMANIANS

TENET RESIGNS; AGENT SMART FINALLY TAKES REIGNS

Traffic Judge Becomes Violently Self-Effacing, Suspends Own License

WAL MART Declares War on Poverty - Begins Shooting Employees

Mr. Thatcher P. Thistwhistle, of Thurston County, is Appalled by Poor English Pronounciation by Visiting Parisians

IN ADDRESS TO NATION, PASTRAMI ON RYE DECLAIMS "CRISIS OF SUBSTANDARD AMERICAN POTATO SALAD"

Rush Limbaugh Rejects Comparison to The Hindenberg: Was a German Passenger Airship and a Bloated Fascist Bag of Gas That Could Explode at Any Moment

Tenet Admits CIA Just Got Most of It's Facts Off the Internet

Coming Up on Headlines: Why an Older Man in Grey Tweed May Come By the House to Explain Everything You've Done Wrong

PENTAGON BACKS CHALABI ASSOCIATE

SNOOP DOG CHOKES ON SWIZZLE STICK- SAVED BY GOOD SAMIZZLETAN

PERSISTENT BUT FRUSTRATED, GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 TRIES, FAILS AGAIN TO GO UP RUSSIAN HILL

UNAUTHORIZED MIXING OF HUMAN GENE-SPLICED CORN SUSPECTED AS BUTTERED COB STARTS TALKING TRASH

AK 47 Modified to Fire Lozenges Relieves Thousands of Congoans' Sore Throats

Seattle Mariners Try Running Away

Bush Faces Stupidity Charges the Wrong Way

Adorable Kittens Deny Falling Into Aquarium

Growth Spurt Expands 'Little Italy'- Now 'Modest Italy'

Coming Up on Headlines Weather for the U.S. West Coast: Wind Passing Through Tacoma May Stink Up the Whole Place

COALITION OF THE WILLING

BUSH SEEKS HELP IN IRAQ FROM INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

AL GORE FINDS MANHOOD; LEFT IN DODGE MINIVAN GLOVE COMPARTMENT IN 1995

RURAL IDAHO MAN HIJACKS DETROIT MONORAIL

Iraq Governing Council Dissolves Easily in Hot Water

DESCENDENT OF VLADMIR KOLKOV ENDS WALKING TOUR OF RUSSIA BEGUN ON A DARE IN 1627

ANGRY SLICE OF MARIONBERRY PIE FINGERS ABUSIVE DINER IN MOB PROBE

Massive Discount Retail Building Fire Enhances Suburban Phoenix

FASHION COMMUNITY SELECTS VERY, VERY BLACK AS THE NEW BLACK

Adorable Kittens Concerned By Remote Controlled Car

LEONARDO DA VINCI DECLINES INVITATION FROM FUTURE FOR DINNER WITH JOHN BELUSHI, MARILYN MONROE AND CHARLEMAGNE

Financial Services Company Happy to Accept Money

PRISON TORTURE COMMUNITY IN FIERCE DEBATE OVER ABU GHRAIB

Sharon Withdraws From Gaza to Dade County

BUSH SURPRISES DOMINICANS WITH ATTEMPT TO COURT HISPANIC VOTE BY VISITING HISPANIOLA

EPA Proposes Easing Gas Shortage By Subsidizing 4 ton Hummer Riding Mowers

Tampa Goalie Shot By Own Forwards

STUDY: OKAY, THIS KIND OF DANCING MAY ACTUALLY BE ILLEGAL

Burt Reynolds' Moustache Enters Smithsonian

Stocks go Down On Heated Promise Of Reciprocation

Girl at Club Who Keeps Insisting On How Wild She is Seems to Be Refering to Lack of Renter's Insurance

INTRODUCTION OF LOW-CARB DONUT RISKS CIVIL WAR

University of Michigan Study: What Happens in Vegas Stays Mundane And Depressing

Coming Up on Headlines: Why You May Have Accidently Transferred Your 2001 Taxes to a Mrs. Gibbons of Brisbane, Australia

SURPRISE MOVE BY IRAQ COUNCIL TAPS BEN AFFLECK FOR P.M.

Aardvark Sick of Ants; Will Seek Cheesecake

Tonight Alone, Thousands of Late-Night Meal Orders Expected to Be Served With Insufficient Ketchup Packets

ACTOR PLAYING GERMAN AIRMAN EXPRESSES CONCERN OVER PRETEND SPITFIRES

Dick Cheney Signs Onto Everquest Server as GothPrincess47

Awkward Teenager Badly Mishandles Boob Touching Opportunity

101st Airborne Requisites More Sherbet

Leading Buddhist Scholars Order Exhaustive Karmatic Analysis of Hugh Hefner

Study: President's Falling Approval Numbers Making A Sound Comparable to Occassions in Which Wile E. Coyote is Suddenly Handed an Anvil

Iraq Situation Disexplained

Phone Description of Fingerprints Leads FBI To Round Up Tulsa Choc-O-Licious Baking Guild

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Still Unable to Fully Trust E-Ticket Check-In

Plot of "Lord of the Rings" is Re-re-explained to George Bush

Radical Free Ferret Force Frees 5000 Ferrets; Freed Ferrets Ferociously Frolicking Frightens Fifteen Parrots

Gum Industry Lobbyists Move Congress to Declare "Underside of Cafeteria Tables" Week

New York Times Solemnly Regrets Total Butt-Fucking Asslick Reports On Iraq

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Many Special Sides of You Are All Dangerously Legally Exposed

IN MAJOR SPEECH POLICY SHIFT, BUSH WILL INCREASE PAUSE AFTER WORD "FREEDOM" TO A FULL TWO MINUTES

France: "You Call that Begging?"

AMERICA UPS OIL ANTE; OFFERS SAUDIS 50,000 METRIC TONS OF USED VCRS

Kittens' Publicist Attempts to Shake Off "Adorable" Label

MAJOR SHIPPING ERROR AT KRUGER FOODS FILLS L.A. GROCERY STORES EXCLUSIVELY WITH CLAMMATO

Dallas Celebrates Opening of New Public Pudding Utility

WALMART COUNTING ON U.S. PAY INCREASES TO IMPROVE SALES (Real Story-NPR)

Keanu Reeves Uncovers Mysterious Virtual Reality Where He Can Act

HERITAGE FOUNDATION STUDY DEMONSTRATES THAT AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE IS MAKING AMERICAN WORKERS "SOFT"

Terrorists Plan Summer Attack But Run Into Difficulty With Chinese Take-Out Order

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Sprinkles of Terror

ASHCROFT CALLS CONSTITUTION TOO LONG AND BORING; WILL BE REPLACED BY "CLIFF'S RIGHTS"

CONGRESS PROPOSES STEEP NEW TAX ON NOT MAKING MONEY

BOLD NEW PLAN: U.S. Unveils Iraq Presidency Powerball

Jobs Plan, Foresty Reforms Free Central Park for Logging

Ad Agency Asst. Director Gets Down on Knees and Pitifully Begs Major Client to Not Use Bachman Turner Overdrives's "Takin' Care of Business'


Documents Reveal Halliburton Owns Virginia

Ann Coulter Attempts to Annex Sudatenland

Cute Puppy Attracting Attention Thwarts Plan to Slyly Check Out Particularly Fine Booty

George F. Will Admits Latent Hippiness

Cat Shows Adorable Kitten What's What

U.S. Launches Preemptive Air Strike Against Michael Eisner

U.N. URGES BAGDAD LEASH LAW

Pentagon City Mall Sales of Mega-Hydroxy Ass-Covering Cream Skyrocket

Botched Suicide with Potato Gun Merely Results in Home Fries

Arctic Researcher Craving Hot Tang

Taking a Page From the Israeli Playbook, Seattle Will Improve Relations Outside of King County by Bulldozing Certain Areas of Tacoma

Small Bird Convinces Adorable Kittens that It is Terribly Dangerous

Sonia Ghandi Also Turns Down Pre-Approved $15,000 Credit Offer

Bush Praises Pricey Gas

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Serial Killer Frost Gunning for Innocent Young Cherry Tomatoes

SYRIA DEMANDS RETURN OF THOUSANDS OF LAWNMOWERS, MILLIONS OF CORDLESS DRILLS BORROWED BY SADAAM IN 1994

Letter Addressed to VP Cheney Found in Capitol Hill Restroom is Signed "Your Loving Bitch, Justice Scalia"

Retracted Denial Refutation Repudiated

University of Michigan Study: South Simply Will Not Rise

Ohio Child PI Suspects City of Cleveland Has Been Hiding Extra Candy in Pretend Garbage Trucks

Boeing Announces New Airliners Will Be Built By Airbus: Meanwhile, Airbus Will Take Over Government Bribery Responsibilities

Courtney Love Sobers Up Enough to Meet, Slap Pope

50 Cent Shut Down By Eldery Lutheran Thrift Store Docent

NY Traffic Magistrate Orders OVERSIZE LOAD Cars to Lead and Follow Donald Trump

Lugubrious Hamster Attempts Suicide By Walking Hamster Ball to Bowling Alley

Coming Up on Headlines: What Sex Can Do for Your Portfolio

VILLAS, VINEYARDS RISE ACROSS SUBCONTINENT AS SONIA GHANDI INSTITUTES RADICAL PROGRAM OF TUSCANIZATION

Bush Forgives Rummy and It's Hugs All Around at Rose Garden

Police, Firefighters Slash Libraries

In Today's MY TURN: WHY WE MUST ALL STAND BEHIND MY DAFT MONEY-MAKING SCHEME

Country Pop Song Briefly Ameliorates Joyless Existence of Spokane Truck Stop Clerk

Of All the Gin Joints in All the Towns in All The World, I Had to Break My Arm Slipping in My Own Vomit in This One

Merganzer Gooses Schwartzenegger

Tacoma Wisely Changes All Policies

New Fascist Order Will Offer Wide Range of Approved Color Schemes

Adorable Kittens Unable to Resist The Call of the Yarn

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Ordinary Bathroom Soap May Be Harboring Bacteria Sympathetic to Cuba

DONNING TOP HAT AND CAPE, RUMSFELD LEAPS ABOARD ESCAPE DIRIGIBLE

Local Car Dealership Badly Bungles "Sweet Home Alabama"-like Sales Jingle

NBC PLUMB OUT OF SHOWS

Harking Back to More Popular Times, U.S. Army Restages 1943 Invasion of Sicily

Front Seat Novelty Air Bags Are Pink and Feature a Big Nipple

WOLFOWITZ INSISTS ON $25 BILLION CHECK MADE OUT TO "CASH"

DOW'S NEW ANIMAL METAPHOR: A "DUGONG" MARKET MEANS FAT AND HAPPY UNTIL RUN OVER BY CONTAINER SHIPS

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 STOOD UP FOR INTERNET COFFEE DATE

Christiane Amanpour Blows the Lid off Georgia Girl Scouts Human Rights Abuses

Adorable Kittens Peer Out Window at Reflection in Window

Ann Coulter Reports Frustration at Inability to Suck Her Own Manhood

Oversmoking Weasel Wheezy

RUMSFELD DEFENDS ACTIONS: "I WAS JUST GIVING ORDERS" (Props to: Dr. X)

VH1's Show of Minor Celebrities Recalling Old, Poor Quality TV Programs Noticeably Increasing Suicide Hotline Calls

New Fascist Order To Offer 30 Day Money-Back Guarantee

Coming Up on Headlines: Is the Mob Buying Up Your Student Loans?

IRAQ PRISON SCANDAL: US MILITARY POLICE DOG RECEIVES GENERAL COURT MARTIAL

IRAQ: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

Sleepy Adorable Kitten Falls Off Washer Into Laundry Hamper

CALIFORNIA PORN SITUATION: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

Tom Delay Sporting New "Jerry" Helmet With Spike

Sony Music Offers Free First Guitar To Muscians That Agree to Sell Out in Junior High

Sunny Spring Day in 60's Making Goth Chick Extra Grumpy

PEORIA WASTEWATER TREATMENT BONDS: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

New Fascist Order's Mandatory Gap Shopping Will Exclude Baby Gap

MS. BEAD'S KINDERGARTEN NAP TIME: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

Blairs Offer to Unilaterally Retract Original British Iraq Borders

TRANSVESTITE PROTOZOANS DISCOVERED IN OLD PEPSI CAN: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

BUSH: NO QUESTIONS

Coming Up on Headlines: "Why That Volcano of Yours Ain't Smoking Reefer"

PASTRAMI ON RYE TO ADDRESS NATION

AK-47 Used to Defend San Fernando Valley Family From Host of Maurading Grizzlies with Knives

Radical Atkins Cell Takes Responsibility for Atlanta Krispy Kreme Explosion: Toll Now Reaches 38 Glazed

MILITANT OWLS TAKE COMMAND OF SOUTHCENTER MRS. CINNABUNS

Memory Research Expanded at Micrsoft Hippocampus

Black Honda Misplaced in Seattle Parking Lot

Ann Coulter Vehemently Denies Need of Strap-On

Amazon Warriors Descend on Army-Navy Surplus Sale

Scientific American Explores Interpretive Dance

Coming Up on Headlines: Can Your Microwave Malfunction and Pre-Heat Your Brain While You Sleep?

EARTH'S ANIMALS OFFER UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER

BUSH: RUMSELD "SUPERB," STEVEN SEAGAL "EVOCATIVE", OLIVE GARDEN "DELICIOUSLY AUTHENTIC

New Fascist Order Will Give Storm Police Cool Shiny Black Outfits and Totally Awesome Martial Arts Training

ECSTACY, THROBBING TECHNO, TIGHT CLOTHES LEADING TO IRRESPONSIBLE LATE NIGHT ACCOUNTING PRACTICES

Remorseless Adorable Kitten Corners, Taunts, Devours Ladybug

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Steal Agriculture Secretary's Checked Luggage

East Village Bar Patrons Warmly Embrace New Disney Theme

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 In A Bit of a Funk Over Disappearing Earth Languages

Republican Draft Federal Tax Code Will Include $8000 Deduction for Breast Enlargements

Jessica Simpson: Bush is "Linthead"

BATMAN RETORTS: "If Ashcroft Could Get Zombie Francos's Dick Out of His Mouth for One Second"

Flock of Evil Flying Monkeys Take Iced Mocha Breather at Oz Starbucks

DESPERATE FOR APPROVAL, CONDI RICE APPEARS IN THIS MONTH'S FOREIGN AFFAIRS CENTERFOLD

President Receives Indignant Letter in Mail: He Is Outraged!

Halliburton Receives $52 Billion Contract to Move Capitol Hill 24 Yards to the East

Working in Shifts Over a 36 Hour Period, Surgeons Announce Failure to Remove Wolfowitz Intestinal Cyst From Rumsfeld

View of Trim, Sexy Motorcycle Girl Blocked By Pallid, Unshaven Actuary

Facing Declining SUV Sales Due to Gas Prices, Ford Develops Standard V-12 Uranium Reactor Turbine

Artist Erects Native American Village in Cheyenne Wal Mart Health and Beauty Products Section

Adorable Kittens dissuade Owners From Baby Bunny Acquisition

SICILY FLIPS OUT, SCREAMS: "ITALY IS ABOUT TO KICK US!"

LOVE DEMONSTRATED BY EXTENDED LEASE OF LATE MODEL CAR

PEACE-LOVING IGUANA BITES BUSH ON ANKLE

Fog-Bound Flock of Flying Manatees Impales Tons of Blubber on Trump Tower Pokey Bits

ESTEE LAUDER IRONICALLY SHOT WITH LIPSTICK GUN

MILWAUKEE SUBURB ERECTS CHEESEHENGE

Politically Indecisive Santa Termed Independent Clause

Massive Military Intense Frequency Radar Investigating Solar Corona Detects Murdoch Ego-Waves

Little Leaguers' Humiliating Performance Totally Inexcusable

REPUBLICAN SENATORS PELT RUMSFELD WITH SOFTBALLS, CUPCAKES AND FLUFFY POWDER BLUE PILLOWS

Alan Greenspan's Warning Over Troubling Deficits Inspired By Recent Cable Bill

New Einstein Satellite Determines That Earth Persistently Circles Around It

Tying Up a Loose Thread From the Democratic Primary, University of Michigan Political Scientists Officially Discredit 'Joe-Mentum'
"
Buck Stops in Gravel Pit in Rural Maryland

U.S. Security Contractor, Mistress Domina, Says Confidently that "Investigators Will Beg For It"

Adorable Kittens Unable to Acknowledge Deep Inner Loathing and Resentment

Tired of the Rut and Swapping Conflicts, India Skirmishes in Gaza While Israel Shells a Kashmir Glacier

Man Comments Favorably on Fresh Donut

Judge at Bunny Foo-Foo Trial Evidentiary Hearing Allows Inclusion of Field Mouse Sexual History

TRUMP VOTED OFF AMERICAN TELEVISION

Contradicting Recent PETA report, McDonald's Denies Potatoes Have Feelings

Jehovah Announces Outsourcing Creation of Earth to Bangalore

Dick Cheney Strangely Moved to Take Up Environmental Cause of the Endangered Burrowing Weasel

Hearing Granted at Bunny Foo-Foo Trial on Dershowitz Motion to Suppress Testimony of Mysterious "4th Mouse"

WEISENHEIMER OUTSNIDES SMART-ALECK

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Severe Pleasantness Storm Descends on Residents of Santa Cruz- Will It Cause Citizens to Panic and Relax?

Justice Scalia Cornered By Bowler-Wearing 30's-era Brooklyn Toughs

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 BEGINS LISTING TO STARBOARD

Bush Retracts Apology to Iraqi Prisoners When Informed that "Apology" Means to "Acknowledge That You Have Done Something Wrong"

Masochists Flooding U.S. Army With Special Requests

U.S. Mercenaries Reported Considering Better Deal With Visigoths

1000 Year-Old Pixie Who Lives in Secret Hollow Down By the Magic Creek Calls For Rumsfeld's Resignation

Under Pressure From Laura, Bush Nearly Finished Mouthing Way Through The Da Vinci Code

Reports Surface that Kim Jong Il Nuked Ft. Wayne, Indianna In January

Misinformed Civil War Re-enactors Sail Modified "General Lee" Dodge Charger Through South China Sea

ATF Cracks Down on Reported Warner Bros. Misuse of Dynamite

Adorable Kitten Chews Mildly on Adorable Kitten's Ear

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Tie Wal Mart Lobbyist's Shoelaces Together at Zoning Variance Hearing

ACTION IN MADAGASCAR AS PRESSED MEATS VAN COLLIDES WITH MARSHMELLOW CREAM TRUCK

POTATO FLAG UNFURLED, JULIENED

SPRING SUN STRIKES ALASKA, CAUSING MASSIVE WORK EXCUSES

GAY MARRIAGE BICKERING SETS NEW BICKERING STANDARD

DISABLED FROG CLEVERLY ADAPTS TOASTER SPRING

REPORTS CONFIRM ANN COULTER TAKES IT LIKE A MAN

CREDIT CARD COMPANIES CALL IN DEBT, AMERICA BEGINS "NATIONAL YEAR OF WORKING FOR MASTERCARD"

Drunk Drives Hummer to Recycling Station, Is Beaten by Hippies

Zoo Elephant Tired of Bossy Pink Monkeys

Ascots, Blue Blazers Burn as Fear of "Yacht People" Grips Newport Marina

HEADLINES: NORTH TO ALASKA! EDITION

BLINDING GLARE OF SKY ORB ATTRIBUTED TO DISPLEASURE OF CLOUD GOD

EMBARASSMENT HALTS MEETING WITH CONOCO PHILLIPS AS GOV. MURKOWSKI QUIETLY BEGINS SUCKING CEO'S RING FINGER

DOG POO SEASON LATE BUT IN FORCE

6th CAR DISSOLVES INSIDE MULDOON CAR WASH

Incredible View of Denali Blocked by Clouds, Squalls, Trees, Power Lines, Appleby's Sign, Abandoned K-MART and that Asshole Who Won't Move His Fucking House Trailer


Again Brushing Aside Hysterical Environmental Concerns, Legislature Requires More Mecury in Drinking Water

FRONTIER LAWYER TRAPS, SKINS AND TANS HOLDING COMPANY

Irresponsible Pedestrian Totally Nailed

Concrete Ordinance Will Require Gray Paint

University of Alaska Scientists Confirm Secret 10 Year Radiation Experiment in House Majority Chamber

Coming Up on Headlines: Does Fashion Mean Inevitable Frostbite Amputations?

New Alaska Gold Rush Surprises Anchorage Grocery Chain With Crazed Run on Vittles

Rumseld Presses Congressional Aide for Strawberry Daiquiri

Water Treatment Bond Discussion Again Re-Slated

Indianna May Erect Knoll

Airport Buzzing With Stress

Adorable Kittens Pass Theoretical Attention Surfeit Limit

Conservative Religious Interests In France Locate and Picket Place Where Naked Ladies Dance

MICROSOFT CONSIDERS BUT REJECTS 'RIGHT-OUT-OF-THE-BOX' PRODUCT FUNCTIONALITY

Travelled, Well-Read Penguin Increasingly Finds Avian Company Insufferable

Dick Cheney Going to Iraq to Dick It Up Some More

Zombie Napolean Escapes From Six-Flags Over Elba, Busks For EuRail Pass

Lutheran Masseur Sets Shiatsu Land-Speed Record

Adorable Kittens Thoroughly Check Behind Refrigerator

Coming Up on HEADLINES WEATHER: TIDAL WAVES, EARTHQUAKES, FLOODS AND LOCUSTS: Look Out Iowa!

Organic Food Controversy: Source of Carob Identified as Caribou

NEW ORLEANS SUBURB MILDLY CONCERNED OVER NARCOLEPTIC VAMPIRES

VINOPHILLIACS CANNOT STAUNCH FLOW OF SAUCY LITTLE CHATEAU MARGAUX

PENTAGON PRESS MEMO: U.S.-Hired Mercenaries Should Now Be Referred to As "Security Consultants." Also Groups of Birthday Party Clowns Should Be Referred to as "Physical Comedy Death Squads."

Study: Ralph Nader May Cause the Death of Us All

Coming Up on HEADLINES: Why Your Heretofore Amusing British Accents May Try Girlfriend's Patience

Eddie Murphy Renews Battle to Party All the Time

$67,000 Lexus Undermined By Vintage Members Only Jacket

Peoria Dominatrix Blames Embarassing Dungeon Equipment Failure on Substandard Chains Purchased At Target

Wal Mart Begins Associates Breeding Program

Adorable Kittens Eschew Ping Pong Ball

Tacoma Contracts for Third Narrows Bridge That Collapses Safely Every Day For Giggles

Iraq Secures Moustache Export Contract

Steve in Plumbing Supplies Would Like You To Know That He Had To Cover For You With Some Customer and Her Lame Faux Hardwood Floor Panels

Wordsworth Wandering Lonely In the Mall

University of Michigan Applied Engineering Scientists Report Miami Club Wear Reaching Theoretical Limits

WWF REPORTS TO UN THAT U.S. WAS NOT READY TO RUMBLE

TWISTED SWISS ARMY WILL ENTER BOTTLE OF IRAQI CHIANTI

DALL SHEEP, LOST IN KANSAS, STANDS FORLORNLY ON TOP OF CAR WASH

Mosquitos Prepare to Suck

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Forgets Email Password That It Just Typed In 83 Times Last Week

Adolescent's Computer is Actually Used to Study Math

Alan Greenspan Not Sincerely Invited To Party

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Cast Rude, Ostentatious Diners A Wicked Glance Sharpened By a Broad Understanding of Dialectical Materialism

Coming Up on Headlines: Check Your Policy-The Disclaimer That May Prevent Your Insurance From Covering Events

ROME SOURS AS CITY IS SACKED BY RHUBARBARIANS

U.S. THROWS CURVE BY HANDING OVER IRAQ TO TAHITI

U.S. HOTTIE SATELLITE PROBE TO TEST EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF FASHION TRENDS

LAST MINUTE DISAGREEMENT AMONG UNITS STALLS PLANNED FORMATION INTO GROUPS

New Fascist Order Selects "Soft, Throbbing Techno" As Ubiquitous Background Music

Iraqi Economy Stumbles as MI Abrams Tank Crushes Magazine Stand

GOP Helmer Ed Gillespe Forced To Defend Confederate Underwear Decision

A WHOLE WAR FOR OIL AND GAS PRICES DOUBLE

Woodward Book: Iraq Kept Stealing Young Wolfowitz's Lunch Money

Rumsfeld's Grammar Entangles Krygykystan

Coming Up on Headlines: Why an Administration Official Praises Outsourcing of Marital Relations

CANADA BLAMES PAKISTAN FOR DESTABILIZATION AS YUKON TERRITORY GETS THE BOMB

WHITE HOUSE: IRAQIS SUPPORTING INSURGENCY ARE STUCK-UP

TRINIDAD & TOBAGO AND BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA WILL SHOW UNITED FRONT

Weasel has Been Smoking Too Much

Nipped by Adorable Kitten, Man Attempting to Change Tire On Incline Leapt In and Rolled Into Harbor, Where His SUV Struck Incoming Grain Ship, Spilling Oatmeal into Water, Which Solidified Just In Time to Prevent Him Being Eaten by School of Six-Gilled Sharks, Explains to the Coast Guard That He is Not Normally Enamoured of Physical Comedy

BATMAN on 60 Minutes: "That High-Heeled Jackboot Fascist Ashcroft's Pig Ball-Sack Face is Curiously Spewing Mad Cow Shit"

Coming up on Headlines: Why Blog Viewing May Reverse Cancer

Republican-Owned Voting Machine Software Runs Perfectly Except for "D=Delete" Error

Color Blind Girl Remains Convinced Gravel Barge is Full of Jelly Beans

Polar Bears Charter DC Flight To Smack Around Cheney

Bush Caught Misusing Lincoln Logs

Travelling in Bejiing, Murderous Kim Jong Il Enjoys a Refreshing "Sprite"

Ann Coulter Cut from Buccaneer's Secondary

Fox News Suing Headlines for Copyright Violation on Making Up News

Man Bumped Mid-Trip By Long-Defunct Western Airlines and Trapped in Salt Lake Airport for last 25 Years Forced To Rely on Glo-in-the-Dark Dildo Sales to Travelling Mormons

Hi-Tech Auto Spell Check Pencil Slowly Ground Up

Own Brain Still Misinforming Republican

7 Year Old With Walkie-Talkie Reports Successful Communication With Martians

SUNDAY EDITION: More Made Up Headlines Than The Onion and the New York Times Combined

Planned Hippie Invasion Of Holland Falters In Eugene, Oregon Pizzaria

INSIDE: Celery Moguls Tighten Their Iron Grip on Chicken Salad Racket

CAREERS: Forget it Unless You're Into Hospital Administration

University of Michigan Comparative Study Indicates that While They Share a Similiar Price Per Pound, Portabella Mushrooms Are Safer, More Delicious But Require More Garlic and Butter than the Chrysler PT Cruiser

OUTDOORS: A Fantastic Weekend Getaway Deal Before The Superfund Money Dries Up

BREAKING NEWS: LOOK OUT!

Asssistant Ecaudoran Tax Assessor Forced By Skeptical Wife to Postpone Dream Trip to Rekyavik

LIFE: Our Expert Solidifies Your Vague Feelings of Inadequacy

COMICS: Prince Valiant Faces Detailed Questioning On Youthful Valiance

REAL ESTATE: A Pricey Deal on a Non-Descript Condo That Will Suck Your Soul Into Drywall Dust

Wolf Blitzer Busts Out Stamp Collection

Karl Rove Sends Out Boy Into Cold, Hard, Dirty Streets for More Evil Pills

Adorable Kittens May Relax On Monday After Busy Relaxing Weekend Relaxing

Coming Up On Headlines: Why You Must Embrace Wholesale Remainder Carpeting

Responding to a Question About His Most Admired Historical Figures, Bush Names the Famous Bag of Ball-Peen Hammers that Briefly Ruled Latvia in 1622

Tony Blair Takes Time Out in Conference to Teach Bush Rudimentary English Phrases

::::::::::::::::ADORABLE KITTENS SPECIAL REPORT::::::::::::::::

ADORABLE KITTEN DISCOVERS AMAZING SHINY WATER CREATURE

Adorable Kittens Seize Bathtub in Desparate Attempt to Prevent Owner Moistening

Reported Missing for Nearly Two Hours, Adorable Kittens are Located Napping in Box of Receipts

Adorable Kittens Grateful for New Leather Couch to Sharpen Claws On

Adorable Kitten Reports to Other Adorable Kitten that Hideout Underneath Car in Driveway Appears Safe for Time Being

:::::::::::::::Further Adorable Kittens Reports as Events Warrant:::::::::::::

Every Two Years, Hoardes of Little Kids Gather 'Neath the Window of The New York Times, Little Noses Pressed Against the Glass, to Watch the Art Critics Hard At Work Savaging the Whitney Biennial

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Forced to Hire Immigration Attorney To Speed Permit Application to Sell Real Estate

Coming Up on Headlines: Osama Bin Laden and Your Local 7-11 - What is the Connection?

BUSH PROMISES TO WORK UP HIS COURAGE FOR POSSIBLE FUTURE PRESS CONFERENCES OR LIGHT OPERA PRODUCTIONS

After Exhaustive Review of the Literature, University of Michigan Anthropologists Disappointed that Humans Actually Diverged From Giant Lemurs in 1927

Citing Profit Decline, Clear Channel Cuts Back on Drum Tracks

Baseball Steroid Scandal Deepens as A's Bat Boy Crushes Beer Vendor's Head Like a Grape

Incredibly Salty Seattle Sea Cap'n Develops Barnacle Cappucino

Amazing Lozenge Stops Bullshit in its Tracks

Dirty Limerick Writer Breaks Guiness World Entendre Record With Quintuple "Shaft Coupling"

View of Stunning Cafe Vixen Blocked by Display Case of Novelty Christmas Mugs

WALMART MOVES INTO RETAIL CONSCRIPTION

City of Seattle Unable to Contain Thai Restaraunt Outbreak

Mariners's Clock Stripped, Sanded, Scrubbed, Dipped in Xylene, Polished and Waxed

Gargantuan Sanrio Kitty Monster Crushing Orlando, FLA With Love

Business School Sponsors "Service to the Nation" Moment

Coming Up On Headlines Weather: Should You Be Concerned that the Car Won't Start With that Huge Green Glowing Cloud Bearing Down from the North?

SKI PATROL NAPALMS SNOWMOBILE

Patrons at "Clown Pie Restaraunt" Disappointed in Prompt, Professional Service

Stereo Nazi Annexes Car Toys

BATMAN TO COMMISSION: "JOHN ASHCROFT COULDN'T FIND HIS OWN DICK WITH A CONTOUR MAP AND A TEAM OF GAY COWBOYS"

RECORD 2 BILLION PEOPLE WINCE IMAGINING WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO POP INTO BUSH'S HEAD

Distant Star Likes to Pretend to Be Incoming Jet

Sailboat Report: Sand Point Aptly Named

Ratings Gambit: Public Television Drops First "L"

Tinky Winky Apologizes for 9/11

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Put Into Mild Depression By Taco Bell Receipt

Coming Up on Headlines: Does Your Dog Resent Your Thumbs?

FRACTION DISCIPLINED BY DENOMINATRIX

Starbucks Opens Up Canine Latte Market with Starbarks

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Place "This Machine Kills Fascists" Sticker on I-Mac

Harmless Tacoma Intafada Begins With Hurling of Light Beer Cans at Parking Enforcers

Today's Tomorrows' Headlines SUNDAY

Inside: EASTER BUNNY DUCKS RPG

BLORNOKS AND ANTI-BLORNOKS UNITE- GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 RUES MISHANDLED INVASION OF GLOBLORNOK 6

Snowman Climatologist Checks into Fairbanks Betty Ford Clinic

Outdoors: WESTERN RACCOON COUNCIL WORKING OUT AD CAMPAIGN TO GET HUMANS TO WASH HANDS CONSISTENTLY

Break in Tyco Scandal Using Secret Wiretap as Barbie Turns States Evidence

Adorable Kittens Sleeping on TV Have Uncanny Sense They're Being Stared At

LETTERS: A Record 28 Old Men Complain about Lack of Traffic Light Synchronization

WOODY GUTHRIE ZOMBIE THROWS LEG AT BOB DYLAN

International -BLAIR: "I'm With Turbo-Doofus"

Al Jazeera Breaks Into Iraq Feed For Kabul Police Donkey Chase

Fashion: Dick Cheney Tempted by Silky, Silky Cape

DR. STRANGE: "I am Sensing that Michael Jackson's Little Red Choo-Choo's Gone Chuggin' Round the Bend"

SPORTS: When Does Football Start Again?

Judge Grants Martha Stewart Temporary Satire Injunction

Gardening: Remember Not To Overwater the Undead

New U.S. Voice-Activated .50 cal Ammunition IDs, Issues Recorded Apology to Non-Combatants

ARTS- Talentless But Overeducated Hack Sleeps With Gallery Owner

OPINION - Highly Privileged Woman is Betrayed and Outraged By Au Pair's Comment

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Jesus May Not Love Just Anyone

SECRET AUGUST 2001 PRESIDENTIAL BRIEFING NOTE REVEALED: "RE: AL QAEDA PLANS TO ATTACK- THIS IS IMPORTANT SO DON'T JUST LEAVE THIS ON THE EMPTY HO-HO WRAPPERS PILE LIKE BEFORE"

MARKETER FLOATS 'AIR-BRANDING'

NEPALESE VIDEO GAME STORE OWNER WOULD LIKE TO SEE MORE NEPALESE-THEMED CAR THEFT GAMES

SNOWMAN CLIMATOLIGIST CLINICALLY DEPRESSED

University of Michigan Study: U.S. Airports Never To Be Completed

University of Robots' Robot Scientists' Year-Long Study of Adorable Kittens Fails to Clear Up Mystery of Cute Widdle Fuzzy-Wuzziness

US Effort in Iraq Now In Sight of Antarctica

Scandal at Giants/Mariners Game as Barry Bonds' Bat Cracks Open and Splashes Anabolic Steroids all over Umpire

Stunning Brazilian Model Bounces Check

PENTAGON: CLERICAL ERROR BLAMED FOR MISFILING "IRAQ: CIVIL WAR, MAKING A" PLAN IN "IRAQ: DEMOCRACY, PEACEFUL TRANSITION TO" HANGING FOLDER

AUSTRALIA FLOATS RADICAL WALTZIST PLAN TO REMOVE "AL"

U.S.: Only Shites and Sunnis Behind Uprising, "Zorastrians of the Willing are Still With Us."

AL Qaeda Begins Chattering Offensive

BUSH ROOMMATE AT YALE: GEORGE EXPERIMENTED WITH THE TRUTH SEVERAL TIMES IN COLLEGE

ISRAELI TROOPS TAKE OUT ICE CREAM STAND WHICH WAS HARBORING TINY FROZEN CHERRY-VANILLA SENIOR HAMAS OFFICIALS

Adorable Kittens Adorablizing Random Pedestrian

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Irked by 15th Consecutive Lame Cable Offer

SHARON CHASES ARAFAT AROUND AND AROUND TREE WITH A 2x4 WITH A RUSTY NAIL IN IT

RUMSFELD WARNS US TROOPS: "SHOOTING INTO LARGE IRAQI CROWDS APPEARS TO ANGER THEM."

Investors Say 'Yes May I Have Another' as City of Tallahasse Issues $3 mn in Dominatrix Bonds

White House Releases August 2001 PBJ and Glass of Milk

Clear Channel Replacing Howard Stern With Some Uber-Perv in Acquisitions

CONDI RICE SETS CAUSE OF MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE DATELESS FAR RIGHT-WING FEMALE AFRICAN AMERICAN NEO-CONS EMPLOYED IN NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISING INDUSTRY BACK 50 YEARS

VIRTUALLY FORGOTTEN DOT-COM GURU CONTINUES TO RAIL AGAINST BRICK AND MORTAR HOUSING

BUSH LOSING SUPPORT OF NIXON ADMINISTRATION

The Today's Tomorrow's Headlines Old Standbys Edition

POLICEMAN FINDS NOTE TAPED TO BACK WHICH SAYS "THIS WAY TO KRISPY KREME"

KANSAS CITY TAKEN ABACK BY TSUNAMI WARNING

A FRUSTRATED PRIEST, RABBI, AND ACCOUNTANT WALK INTO THE INFORMATION BOOTH AT THE CHICAGO AIRPORT AND DEMAND DIRECTIONS TO THE BAR

HIGHLY CRITICIZED GOVERNMENT EFFORT FAILS TO REDUCE THREAT OF CONTINENTAL DRIFT

WALMART SHELVES NOW STOCKING SMALLER, HEAVILY DISCOUNTED DISCOUNT STORES

ADORABLE KITTENS TENDER OFFER TO SIT ON LAP

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Bust Pinata Bush in the Nuts

Robot Scientist Who Contributed His Arm to Space Shuttle Would Like It Back if No One is Using It

BATMAN: "Who in Holy Butt-Fuck Pissed in John Goatfucking Ashcroft's Motherfucking Cheerios?"

FIRE DESTROYS CRAWFORD, TEXAS LIBRARY - 'BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTRY' MOISTENED AND STAINED

The Today's Tomorrow's Headlines Sunday Edition

LEGO BAPTIST DENIES THEORY OF INTERLOCKING PLASTIC BLOCKS

INSIDE: Why This Seven Year Old Boy, Pictured Here, Is Famously Incompetent

FASHION: Black Turtleneck on Software Marketing Executive Proves Source of Inexhaustable Loathing

Fearless Gerbil Pulls Toddler From Burning Ferris Wheel

NATIONAL: Dept. of Defense Political Surveillance of Progressive Web Sites May Result in Secret FBI Investigation. In Related News, The Pentagon is Totally Awesome!!!!:)

Inside the Auto Section: 24 Pages of Why Your Car Shames Your Family

LOCAL- Woman Born Near Here Appears Briefly in Straight-to-Video Coming of Age Film

TRAVEL- Albania: Never Go There

FOOD- Lame Brew-Pub Vaunted By Disreputable Food Editor Who Owes Someone a Favor

ENTERTAINMENT: Whiff of Patchuli oil Induces Britany Spears to Reject Capitalism

PETS: Adorable Kittens Transfer Deep Focus to Can Opener

MEDIA: Woman Reading Sunday Newspaper Fails to Rush Out Suddenly to Buy Discount Consumer Electronics

Man Apparantly Over-Conscious of New Hat

With Years of Experience at Having Sucked Earth Dry of Oil, Exxon-Mobil Moves into 12-24 Pop Music Market

Dogfight Gambling Pool Busted: Marmaduke Undergoes Questioning

WEATHER: How The Occasional Snow Flurries Will Kill You

ARTS: Irony in Dangerous Hyperdrive as Precious Moments Takes Over Whitney Biennial

STYLE: Attract People With Secondary Sex Characteristics

Success Giving Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 A Swelled Blood Barrier Membrane

MAN RETURNS AS SEA CUCUMBER WHEN KARMA RESET BUTTON IS ACCIDENTLY BUMPED

Makers of the Hummer Attempt to Surpress University of Michigan Study on Inverse Size Proportionality

Reduced Mafia Fails to Intimidate Wiry Thrift Store Docent

HEADLINES TO BAIT DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE WEBCRAWLER SCRUTINY BY PRETENDING TO REVEAL ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE TORPEDO SECRET

AMERICA'S PROBLEMS TRACED TO EZEEKIAL DE KYPER OF NEW YORK, 1687, WHO TOLD FUTURE INFLUENTIAL BOY "OUR LORD DESIRES US TO GROW PORTLY PLUMP AND YET PERSIST IN CONSTANT MOTION"

Judge Will Move Tyco Trial to Juvi

MARTIANS RETURN FROM VACATION TO APPARANT HOME INVASION

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Entering ATM Pin Number at Grocery Store Uncertain Whether to Push "Yes," "OK" or "ENTER" Buttons

Bunny Foo Foo Indicted

Pfizer Pfaults Pfourth Qtr. Pfinancials

9/11 Commission Plans to Get Good Laugh From Deliberately Over-Pronouncing "Condeleeeeeza"

Federation Crewmember Forgiven Yet Again for Nearly Destroying Universe 3rd Time

57,000 Jobs Added in Government Sector Explaining Away Foreign Policy Debacles

WEEBLE COLLAPSES AND DIES

Outsourcing Software Company Accidently Outsources Jobs All The Way Around the World And Back to Itself

TECHNOLOGY WILL MAKE THE WORLD SMALLER AGAIN AS PENTAGON DEPLOYS NEW SHRINK RAY

BUSH AGREES TO THREE DEBATES; FORMAT: 3-SYLLABLE GENERALITIES

Rush Limbaugh Snorting Ground-Up Twelve-Step Plans

IT TURNS OUT SHE ALREADY CAME AROUND THE MOUNTAIN SOME TIME WELL BEFORE SHE CAME

Kidnapped Six-Year Old Located in Wal-Mart at 11PM, Stocking Shelves

COAL SEAM HOPELESSLY TRAPPED IN FLOWERY MEADOW

Floating Alien Brain From Nebular-7 Irked by Malfunctioning Hot/Cold Shower Water Knob

APRIL FOOL'S DAY QUIETLY MOVED TO EARLY NOVEMBER

Distance from Portland to Seattle Re-estimated at 547 Miles as the Unfocused Drunken Crow O.D.ing
on Sudafed Flies

Adorable Kittens Report Bird Missing

Mudville Joy Tempered

MOON KNOCKED SLIGHTLY FROM ORBIT BY GRAVITATIONAL PULL OF NEW FORD SUV

Radioactive Bananas Set off Split Detector

Jesus Blows Cookies at Passion

Coming Up on Headlines: Which of Your Personal Weaknesses Has Your Tweens Rifling Through the Liquor Cabinet?

BREAKING NEWS: CONDI RICE HAS NOW AGREED TO LIE TO THE 9/11 COMMISSION

IDITAROD CELEBRATES ANNIVERSARY WITH RITUAL SPLASHING OF DIPTHERIA

University of Michigan Study: Anthro Team ID's Key Human Evolutionary Gene for Poking Things With a Stick

Cost-Cutting At Pentagon Will Remove One Wall To Become Parallelogram

Minister Feels Compelled to Suck Up to Gibson

Tyco Juror Signals Defense: Check Cleared

Techo Monk: 'Let the Screens Fall From Your Eyes'

Adorable Kittens Unable to Sign for Fed Ex Package But Do Mew Extensively For Several Minutes

Giant Pacific Octopus takes Fifth in Vancouver Curling Championship

Dingbats Soft on LaRouche

Coming Up on Headlines: Is the Friendly Neighborhood Funeral Home Adequately Burying Your Undead?

BUSH NEGOTIATING POST-PRESIDENCY POSITION IN COMMUNITY RELATIONS FOR WAL MART

BREAKING NEWS: OUR REPORTER BILL THOMPSON IS OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN IN FRONT OF POLICE HEADQUARTERS OVER-ANTICIPATING BREAKING NEWS

Reading, CA HMO Recalls Local Vasquez, Silverton Families

AP(Vienna): Reuters Correspondent in Austria is So Lazy She's on the Verge of Making It All Up

Mortally Endangered "Right" Whales Change Name to "Get the Hell Away From Me Whales"

Reuters (Vienna): AP Correspondent in Austria is Too Emotionally Immature to Move On With His Life

CONDI RICE APPEARS AT PS 132 8TH GRADE CIVICS CLASS, MURRAY'S SAV-U-MORE DISCOUNT AUTO PARTS, THE RURAL PENNSYLVANIA SPAY AND NEUTER SOCIETY, THE BELLINGHAM, WA WOODEN BOAT SHOW, AND THE WASAU COUNTY SWEET ADELINES EXPLAINING WHY SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP TO THE 9/11 COMMISSION

GDP Soars as Fred Meyer Grocery Clerk Replaced by $132,000 Auto-Checker

Man Pulls Crumpled Old Receipt From Pocket to Reminisce About Plyers, Masking Tape and Misc/Snacks Shopping

Coming Up on Headlines: Grape Nuts- Healthy Breakfast Cereal or Crunchy Gateway to Sexual Depravity?

ACTIONABLE INTELLIGENCE THWARTED BY KINETIC STUPIDITY

DOW PLUMMETS ON REPORTS OF PENDING REPORTS

Jobs Picture Great For Lazy

Held at Gunpoint and Beaten, Anime Artist Still Refuses to Draw Nose Properly

Alright, Say We Admit that Our New Convention Center is a Deluded Chamber of Commerce Pipe Dream

Countering Kerry's Snowboarding, Dick Cheney Displays Wicked Sick Skateboard Skills

BREAKING NEWS: Dude Drops Plate

Threatened with Lap Removal, Adorable Kittens Engage Full-On Turbo-Purr

The Alarmingly, Painfully Slow Begin to Question Bush Credibility

These Brittle, Depressing Korean Crayons Tell Me This Toy Store is Doomed

Tacoma Man Suddenly Bolts from Checkout Line At the Instant He Realizes He's About to get 4 cents in Change

Coming Up on Headlines: Are You Putting Your Family At Risk With Your Random, Drunken Automatic Weapons Fire?

LOBSTER SOUP BLOWN UP BY BISQUE SEPARATISTS

FINNS SURPRISED AS ISRAEL TAKES OUT HELSINKI

Iraqi Food Craze Invades Santa Cruz

National Spelling Bee Runner-Up Reflects on a Wasted Young Life

Arab Scientists Develop Mini-Bar Seeking Missile

BREAKING NEWS: STOP AND GO CHASE THROUGH L.A. SUBURBS MAY INVOLVE ICE CREAM TRUCK

New Species of Micro-Deer Identified Minutes Before Being Run Over By Backhoe

University of Michigan Study: Whitney Biennial Contemporary Art Exhibition will Open to Mixed Reviews Through 2048

U.S. Companies Step Up Insourcing of Corporate Minions, Toadies, Tools, Flacks, Hacks, Goons, Weasels, Asswipes, Chowderheads, Numbnuts and Crotch Vacuums

Coming Up on Headlines: Find Out if A Vicious Attacker Has Slipped Between the Cushions of Your Couch

ASTRONOMERS EXAMINE FURTHER SPECTOGRAPHIC DATA ON SEDNA, NEW PLANETOID IN FAR REACHES OF SOLAR SYSTEM - REPORT VANILLA ICE

NASCAR RACE ENTERS 20,000th MILE AND THIRD WEEK AS SOMEONE LOSES CHECKERED FLAG

BLING TREND BEEN BLUNG

Diabolical Plot Foiled by Expired Phone Card

Agricultural Department Revises Cheetos Crop Estimate Downward

Bush Relaxing Behind Closed Doors in Crawford Reverts Back to Thick Boston Accent, Russian Service and Dressing Basically Like Mr. Peanut

Deadline for Peace Expires As Adorable Kittens Reposition to Attack Drapes

Coming Up on Headlines: Will Your Wake-Up Weather Include A Plague of Frogs From a Vengeful God?

BREAKING NEWS:COURTNEY LOVE BATTING AIRCRAFT FROM SKY

WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM PLUMBING BREAK HAS SCOTT MCCLELLAN LYING IN WATER

TRAILER MANSION ADDS CHIPBOARD STABLE HOUSE

Shelving Display Bores Children Into ICU

Orangutan Coroner Pronounces Houston Gorilla Shooting 'Murder'

Manganese Trade Council In Bitter Dispute Over New "Manganese, PLEASE!" Jingle

Narcoleptic Furniture Salesman Awake 18 Minutes Since 1997

GI JOE: "We Small Plastic Toys Were Also Misled About Iraq"

"Snakes" the Weiner Dog Choosen Afghan Opium Trade Mascot

Coming Up On Headlines: A Coke Deal Gone Bad or An Unfortunate Misunderstanding? Why The Police May Arrest Your Parents

PAKISTAN CLOSING IN ON PAKISTAN

REPUTED WEIRDO AT HOME DEPOT DEMANDS ROCQUEFORT CHEESE CONSTRUCTION FOAM

Potato Farmer Hits Atkins Headquarters With Spud Gun

Asked by Daughter to Explain Choice of Blackberry Jam on Toast, Tony Blair Snaps

Married Gay Couple Stopped Cold By 10-40 Form Checkbox

RUMORS OF POST-ELECTION U.S. WAR CATCHES NORTH KOREAN PRESS REPORTS WITH INVECTIVE EXHAUSTION: "VILE DESPICABLE U.S. CAPITALIST WAR DOGS" TO BECOME "ESPECIALLY PARTICULARLY VILE DESPICABLE U.S. CAPITALIST WAR DOGS"

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Slap "Pussy Wagon" Sticker on Lexus Bumper

Vicious Former Taliban Pulled From Hole with Copy of Maxim Featuring Carmen Electra, and Baseball Cap with Two Beer Holders and Straw

Adorable Kittens to Explore Grocery Bag

BREAKING NEWS: Bin Laden Still Out Hiking

Congolese Child Soldier Receives Box of Maple Syrup

Corrupt, Prevaricating Right-Wing Government Distressed as Spanish Voters Cave in to Terrorists By Voting Out Corrupt, Prevaricating Right-Wing Government

ANCHORAGE MAYOR TO SOLVE KEY INTERSECTION'S INTRACTABLE TRAFFIC PROBLEM: EXPLOIT QUANTUM PRINCIPLES TO ALLOW SUVS TO OCCUPY MULTIPLE LOCATIONS AT THE SAME MOMENT

SF MAYOR NEWSOME PLAN WILL PERMIT LIMITED PRIMATE/UNGULATE CIVIL UNION RECOGNITION

DRAWING FEATURED ON SITCOM SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT CHARACTER'S ARTISTIC TALENT INEXHAUSTABLY MEDIOCRE

HOT GIRL FROG IN HOP-HOP VID SHAKES AMPHIBIBOOTY

An Estimated 437,531 Nationwide Suffered Avoidable Ketchup Insufficiency At America's Drive-Thru Windows During First Qtr.

FELLED BY AN INCREASINGLY DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO AVOID INSTITUTING TAXES, ALASKA GOV MURKOWSKI NABBED AT MEXICAN BORDER WITH 200 KILOS OF COKE

TODDLER RESISTS BRUTAL COMMODIFICATION OF HUMAN EXPERIENCE BY TOSSING BEARER BOND IN TOIDY

Adorable Kittens Use Claws to Chase Each Other Up Large Reubens

FT. WAYNE INSURANCE AGENT FRUSTRATED BY LACK OF OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW OFF EXCEPTIONAL SPELLING SKILLS

Office Max Stocker who Deliberately Put Red Sharpie Packages On Black Sharpie Pegs Told "You Have Signed Your Own Death Warrant"

AILING MALL REMODELED TOO LATE

PRANK DELIVERING 200 PIZZAS TO KIM JONG IL RESULTS IN IMPRISONMENT OF 14, EXECUTION OF DELIVERY BOY, DESTABILIZATION OF RELATIONS WITH SOUTH, AND WASTE OF NORTH KOREA'S ENTIRE SUPPLY OF OREGANO

BILLIONAIRE RECEIVES $250 Mn TAX BENEFIT AND INSTANTLY HIRES THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS AT GOOD WAGES

IN FURTIVE COMPETITIVE STEP, PORK TO BE CHICKEN-FLAVORED

BUSH UP TILL 2AM TUNING RIDING MOWER

It's Pretty Clear from too Many Hanging Vinyl Bud-Light Special Signs That This Bar is in Serious Financial Trouble

Bush Reported Sobbing at "Nation Builders Anonymous" Meeting

Glass Installation Business Employees Getting Stoned

As Polls Slide, Professional Evil Genius Organization Yanks Rove's Credentials

EAT KETCHUP FOR DEMOCRACY

NADER: 'EVERYONE IS STUPID'

BOEING PROFIT PRESSURE EXAMINED AS NEW JAPANESE 7E7 WINGS APPEAR TO BE MADE OF DOPED FABRIC

Georgia National Guardsman Stuck for 8th Month in Mosul Reflects that Welding Tech Class at Community College Might Not Have Been Such a Bad Choice

Elementary School Teacher Derides 4th Grader's Stained Glass Homer Simpson as Derivative

One People Fair Trade Coffee Muscles in On Holistic Earth Organic Java Biz

View of Attractive Woman Walking Down Street Blocked By Chrome Milk Truck

Boise Man Gives Up Trying to Compete with Viggo Mortensen

Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Should've Used Neuron-o-Fax to Ring Pals Up for Indian Food Buffet

Woman Waiting For Bus Both Glad It's Here and Strangely Irritated at Getting On

CHUMPS RALLY TO SQUASH DWEEBS, 8-2.

Mob Assassin Embarassed While Driving to Hit with Target in Back as Bjork Starts Up on Mercedes CD

Secret Plan of Super Wealthy Saudi Relgious Fascists to Randomly Favor Center-Left Socialist Spanish Government Succeeds

OHIO COLLEGE STUDENT ON PACKAGE VACATION IN DOMINICAN REPUBLIC BECOMING VAGUELY CURIOUS ABOUT THE NEAR ABSENCE OF BLACK PEOPLE

Salem PTA Cupcake 3-Day Bake-Off Fills $162 Mn Hole in OR State Education Budget

New York Times Receives Ominous "You've Been Ignoring Us" Letter From Disgruntled Submarine-Based Ballistic Missles

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: UNDER INTENSE PRESSURE OF MODERN LIFE, CLAMS REPORT STRESS AND PERIODIC DEPRESSION

DELICATE SCENT OF CHERRY BLOSSOMS, TRADITIONAL JAPANESE METAPHOR FOR THE BEAUTY AND TRANSITORY NATURE OF BEING, PISSING OFF KARL ROVE

ORNERY SEATTLE CROWS HAVE BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE

ROBOT SCIENTISTS BLAME TOTAL FAILURE OF ROBOT CAR DESERT RACE ON INFERIOR HUMAN INTELLECTS

NEW COFFEE CHAIN, AHAB'S, DRIVING STARBUCK'S CRAZY WITH OBSESSIVENESS AND CONSTANT TESTING OF LOYALTY

University of Michigan Psychology Study: Laundromat Experiences, Aesthetics Remind Patrons of the Inevitability of Death

Adorable Kittens Secure Ideal Redoubt in Open Sock Drawer

PRIMAL SHRUG THERAPIST INDICTED IN MASSIVE INDIFFERENCE SCAM

No End For 90 Year Strike: Disenchanted Birds Will Continue Nationwide Airport Runway Picketing

"OVER-RUSHED" HALT ON UCLA CADAVER PARTS SALES CRITICIZED BY AMERICANS FOR SENSIBLE MEAT ALTERNATIVES

BALSAMIC VINEGAR, MUSLIN AND GLUE GUN SHIPMENTS TO NEW YORK FEDERAL PRISON INCREASE

Adorable Kittens Eschew Garbage Can Tipping Culpability

University of Michigan Study: 96% of U.S. Chicken Feed Ends Up as Chicken Shit

KERRY DEFEATS THE LATE PAUL TSONGAS, STILL ON THE DEMOCRATIC BALLOT IN TEXAS

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Glue all the Teak Lumber at Home Depot Together

Tadpole Advocacy Groups Demand Separate Juvenile Detention Ponds

American Communist Party Reports 27% Bump in Bush Era Membership

Little Girl's Daydream of Cute Bunnies Complicated by Unexplained Encroachment of Inebriated Mayor McCheese

AT WHITE HOUSE, LAURA BUSH IS SHOCKED AS SHE WALKS IN ON GEORGE PRANCING IN FRONT OF FULL LENGTH MIRROR IN NAVY FLIGHTSUIT

NORAH JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE SLIGHTLY DOWN BUT SOFTLY SWEET

DOCTORS: FASCISTIC ENZYME SECRETIONS SHOULD DECREASE AFTER CRITICAL ASHCROFT SURGERY

JOBS REPORT: IN 1st QUARTER, U.S. WILL ADD 1700 JOBS IN COMMERCIAL CARPET SHAMPOOING AND 3400 JOBS IN CUBICLE SECTION-WALL TRANSPORT & STORAGE

FEDERAL PRISON CELL REPAINTED EGGSHELL AND MAUVE

White House Pressure on Superman Results in Replacement Fortress of Solitude Contract Award to Halliburton

Floating Alien Brain From Nebular-7 Disputes Parking Citation, Arguing That It Merely Hovered Above Parking Space

At Sight of Passing Daddy-Long Legs and After Decades-Long Build-up of the Heebie-Jeebies, World-Renowned University of Michigan Entomologist Waves Hands in Air and Runs Screaming from the Room Like a Little Girl

Elite Commando Task Force 127 Hampered in Bin Laden Search on Afghan-Pakistan Border By Stale Poptarts, Persistent Athlete's Foot

In Many West Coast Cities, Gay Marriage is En Fuego!

Cleveland to Open National Museum of Sucking

Lazy, Overfed Seattle Squirrels Advised to Scamper at Least 30 Minutes Per Day

Contradicting Some Recent DNA Studies, Mick Jagger Weighs in On "Out-of-Africa" Anthro Debate by Relating His Story of Sleeping with "the Sexier" Neanderthals

TED KENNEDY CALLS FOR AN END TO "THE WHIFFLE PRESIDENCY"

Rumsfeld Still Striking Points With Hilarious Condi Rice Impersonation

Young Iraqi Man of 17 Dreams of Living In America, Where He Looks Forward to Voting For the First Time Against that Doofus Asswipe George W. Bush

PLANKTON TERRORISTS STRIKE JUNEAU SALMON HATCHERY

Adorable Kittens Make a Break for the Hole in Fence But Are Turned Back With Fond Memories of Bowl of Milk

Analog Clocks Roundly Criticized

Local Customers React to New Kabul Starbucks: At Three Month's Salary, The Triple Orange Mocha is "Sinfully Delicious"

Seattle Artist Calls Press Conference to Condemn Fremont Coffee House's Bourgeoisy Remodel

US Coast Guard 1500-Ton Armed Cutter Resolute Intercepts Boat in Puget Sound and Then Makes the Captain Dump Out His Bud Light

GLACIERS' ATTORNEYS STRONGLY CONDEMN GLOBAL WARMING INACTION

BANK OF AMERICA MOVES TO ACQUIRE MAJORITY CONTROL OF TRINA HAMPTON, 23, OF PAXTON, INDIANA

ASHLEY PHONES POLICE AS ELDERY HUNTER ENTERS ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH TO ASK ABOUT DUCK BOOTS AND GAME BAGS

Donald Trump Seeks Out Company Crotch Vacuum

EVOLUTIONARY ANTHROPOLOGISTS WORKING IN KENYA LOCATE 7-MILLION YEAR OLD APE-MAN SPECIMEN AND PRIMITIVE AM RADIO

EXHAUSTIVE UNIVERSITY OF OREGON- EUGENE STUDY REVEALS IT'S NOT ACTUALLY ALL GOOD

Concern Expressed as Toddler Makes Off With Idling Monster Truck and Heads Straight for Industrial Chicken Ranch

UTAH MAN, 52, FATHER OF 47, HUSBAND OF 12, DRAFTS ANGRY LETTER TO EDITOR OVER NEWSOME

As Public Scrutiny Wanes, Halliburton Floats Reworked Crashing Earth Into The Sun Plan

Pentagon Notes Qualitative if not Quantitative Improvement in Iraq Explosion Problem

BAD CLAMS WORKING THEIR WAY THROUGH STOCK-JOBBER MAY FORCE DUMPING OF 3 MILLION PFIZER SHARES

WHITE HOUSE SCRAMBLES TO STAUNCH OUTFLOW OF FACTS

Adorable Kittens Suitably Impressed by Fancy New Hot Wheels Track

Fermi Labs Report of Gravity Waves Retracted as Ranch Dressing Found in Particle Accelerator

Coast Guard Intercepts Grandmother on Seattle Ferry Running Celebrex to Bremerton

America, on Apple-Martini Binge, Keeps Insisting Everyone Likes Her

Tony Blair Holding Together With Aid of Duct Tape

FLOATING ALIEN BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 EMBARASSED AT BUSINESS DINNER AS MASTERCARD DECLINED

BARY BONDS DENIES BOTH MASSIVE STEROID USE AND RUMORS HE USED TO BE BARBARA BONDS

FLOATING ALIEN BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 PRESSES HOTEL CLERK FOR MORE APPROPRIATE SKIN MOISTURIZER

MICHAEL EISNER HEADED FOR THE HAPPIEST DUMPSTER ON EARTH

ZONING VARIANCE MAY UPSET SENIOR CITIZEN

MICROSOFT TO PROVIDE TOTAL OFFICE SOLUTIONS FOR WHICH THERE ARE NO ACTUAL OFFICE PROBLEMS

US AGREES TO "TRADING GOVERNMENTS" REALITY SHOW

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN ASTROPHYSICS ADVANCED STRING THEORY RESEARCH PROGRAM HAMPERED BY GRANNY KNOT POSTULATE

SUPERCARRIER USS CARL VINSON DEPLOYED TO INTIMIDATE BELGIUM

BUSH CRITICIZED FOR USING 9/11 IMAGES FOR CAMPAIGN, COLA ENDORSEMENTS AND TIME-SHARE CONDO SALES

TABLE SAW EMPLOYED TO MAKE WOOD SMALLER

UC BERKELEY EFFORT WILL "SUCK CAFFEINE OUT OF EARTH" TO PREVENT EARTHQUAKES CAUSED BY CALIFORNIANS' CARELESS DUMPING OF COFFEE ON GROUND

ANN COULTER ENDORSES GILLETTE 4-TRACK

Adorable Kittens A Bit Grumpy as Rain Continues: Keep Taunting the Goldfish

Herd of Rampaging Elephants Calmed by Arrival of Discount Coupon Packet

Nobel Physicist Retracts Claims of Afro-Matter

BOEING TO MANUFACTURE ITS OWN ROBOT PENTAGON CONTRACTORS

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Leave 4 Socialist Pamphlets at Redmond Tully's

A Moose Wanders Into a Hydrangea Garden and Enjoys a Brief Respite from the Unrelenting Stress of Today's Taiga Bog

PUTIN LEAVES NUKE KEYS IN OTHER PANTS

THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE PARKING LAPSE

an EPIC POEM pleading for parking mercy (soon to be sent to the Seattle, WA Magistrate)

Sharp! the eye and full the heart of duty
That clapp'd to my Honda the chastisement of
Parking potentates
Ere the sun reached his zenith
Tho I wept not-
(Cruelly but fair go to the eagle
His honest spoils
So that a man may park ever
in this County of Kings)

But 'twas in the gloaming twilight
Fell my burden,
hard and hoary and merciless

Late for the film and mind fogged by a lady waiting,
Still I pored line by each of the two signs
Looming above my prized new space.
I bored my eyes into the words as if
They were the lost final stanzas of
A great nation's poem,
My perception honed by the
Morn's harsh experience.
I read the lines as if they were
Marks of a grizzly in cold country,
And the perpetuation of my wretched life
My only reward.

Now at seeing, I fancy I am no slack-jawed
Stock-Jobber. I teach painting,
The Art of Seeing
Where I am rapt by beauty
And scornful of careless looking

Yet bootless was this preparation!

Cruel hard then did it fall,
When we returned,
Jagged and weighty
An avalanche of broken rock!
Tagged we were again in
the sheriff's wrath
Tagged by the penetrating fingers
of civic justice
Tagged as scofflaw, fiend and outcast
Tagged Again!

For there above the two signs
From which I gleaned all possible meaning
There stood in dark leaves and grey branches
Two more! Two More risen into
The Trees like squirrel attorneys,
powerful, disappeared, chattering.

Four signs! Four (Twas two e'en now!)
Who may rest here when this
Folio of No Standing teeters high in the
Deep forest like "Moby Dick"
Stuck atop a trolling rod?

Four signs! Scripted they were in
Colloquial Aramaic or Pidgin Latvian -
(Twas no penetrable language)
- Four signs coiling to spring a bear trap
from the high trees
Four signs to redouble my
outlawry and humiliation
Four signs and a fine to snatch
from my mouth a month of morning bagels

Four signs, say I,
Four Horsemen of the Parking Lapse

I. who all that day, mindful
Anew of vehicular obligation,
Strain'd my eyes and sweated my navigation
To park with honor and humble respect,
Ask your beneficence, ask you to reduce this
Many-stack'd misfortune to $20
(And perception quickened)

And for the Four Signs Yet Lurking
Darkly above this parking pit of tar,
Twice Scilla and Charybdis in hazzard and horror,
I beg that comes a month
One Sign speaks alone:

"Park Here, Nevermore"

IN ACCORDANCE WITH SECRET PLAN, HOLLYWOOD OSCAR NIGHT GALA DESTROYS FAMILY, CAPITALISM

Michael Eisner Knifed in Alley by Giant Rodent

Peter Jackson Very Nearly Buttons Collar

University Computer Lab Users Indistinguishable in Behavior From Canned Green Peas Inspectors

Robot Receptionist Held Back From Promotion Due to Blow Job Disability

Gregarious Paris Shares Nefarious Ferret

Adorable Kittens Get Paper Cups Stuck on Head

Eskimo Pies Splattered as Explosion in Gaza Strip Caused By Ice Cream Truck Compressor Malfunction

George W. Bush Urged Not to Drive Car With Ass Muscles

Even in Librarian Glasses, Liv Tyler One Sexy Fucking Elf

For Committed Delegates, John Edwards Offering to Knock $1500 off New Kias

University of Michigan Study: Strong Correlation Between Movie Quality and Geographical Distance from Los Angeles

HEADLINE WRITER SLAGS OFF FOR SO-CALLED "ART"

America First World Empire in History to Poo-Poo World Empire Status

Lemurs Issue Report Favoring Endangerment of Pumas

BUSH BAREBACKS ANTI-GAY MARRIAGE AMENDMENT

LAMPS FASHIONED TO LOOK LIKE SLIGHTLY MORE EXPENSIVE LAMPS

Liv Tyler Elvish-Talking 900 Number Fires Up

TENSION WITH NORTH KOREA EASES AS KOREAN WORD PREVIOUSLY TRANSLATED TO ENGLISH AS "PLUTONIUM" CORRECTED TO "LINOLEUM"

'PASSION OF THE BRITTANY' OPENS TO POOR REVIEWS

WITH SOCIAL SECURITY INSTABILITY, GREENSPAN FORCED TO RECOMMEND ADOPTION OF SOYLENT GREEN SYSTEM

ADORABLE KITTENS SURPRISED BY DINNER LOBSTER

Labrador Who Swam From Sinking Boat To Wild, Squirrel-Infested Island Prefers to Stay

Casper, Wyoming Video Store Senior Rental Clerk Threatened With Demotion

Confusion and Shouting at POW POW Nightclub as Stripper Dances on Patron's Laptop

Treasury Department Receives Orders To Ransack Villagers and Farmers

KARL ROVE PLEASED BATTERY REMOTE NADER MIND PROBE (SERIES #2) WORKING PERFECTLY

For Some Strange Reason, Just Like He said, Conservatives Are in Fact Rallying to Nader

Deep Socialists Worker's Party Split Reported Over Nader

Ralph Nader Slapped by Small Girl

Ross Perot May Weigh In

Report: Ralph Nader Unsafe on Any Speed

In Highly Regrettable FOX News Wardrobe Malfunction, Ann Coulter's Penis Slips Out

MOOSE BOATS DELIVERS BOAT #1 OF SIX BOAT CONTRACT (Real Headline!, Western Maritime Feb 2004)

Ralph Nader Runs Around Stabbing People

Mountainous Radioactive Potato Snatches Boise Aircraft From Sky

New Administration Policy May Benefit Wealthy

Teletubbie Land Opened to Explosive Impact Coal Mining

Cursory Bush Review Of Map Induces U.S. to Invade New Mexico

Neo-Con Still Haunted By Fear No One Likes Him

Robot Teaching Assistant Hits Inappropriately on Freshman

Cookies Fitted with Computer Chips

SPECIAL ARTS CONFERENCE EDITION

Rejected College Art Association Panel Topics:

Hear that Cracker? I'm Going to Go Medieval on Your Assessment of 14th Venetian Portrait Painting

Mimesis and Mimeogenesis: Representing Representative Representations of Representationalism

Art History And Digital Technology: Using Powerpoint to Greatly Extend Post Slide Projector Presentation Delays

Whacking the Burb Rat: Corporal Negative Reinforcement and Arts Pedagogy at Technical and Community Colleges

Art, Science, and New Media Technology: Sucking Out the Last Juicy Marrow of Humanity from the Soup Bone of Culture

Post-Post Modern Adornment and the Constructed Artist Self: Inverse Proportionality of Fashion Selection Vis a Vis the Material Stickyness of Adopted Media

FRENCH FRIES PRIME SUSPECT IN DRIVE-THRU CARBO-LOADING

FUNDAMENTALIST BIBLE INTERPRETATION QUESTIONS RAISED AS PAT ROBERTSON TURNED INTO ANTELOPE

DEBEERS ATTACKS NEW ARTIFICIAL HIGH-QUALITY DIAMONDS AS DISRESPECTING LONG-HONORED TRADITIONS OF VIOLENCE, MONOPOLY AND RETALIATORY MUTILATION IN THE DIAMOND TRADE

BBC REPORTS EXTENSIVELY ON TONY BLAIR'S INEXHAUSTABLE PERSONAL CHARISMA

KERRY SLIGHTLY PUT OUT BY VEHEMENCE OF AFFAIR DENIAL BY ATTRACTIVE 27-YEAR OLD REPORTER

SNOOP DOG SHILLSHIZZLING FOR RADIO SHACK

AT NASCAR, BUSH ASKS ABOUT THE KIND OF TRAINING USED FOR THE HIGH-SPEED CHAUFFEURING

Unemployed Chinese Communist Seriously Pissed Off

Tech Employees Replaced by Indian Specialists; CEO Replaced By Tape Recorder With Huge Bank Account

Adorable Kittens Reporting More Birds in the Yard

Young Evolutionary Biology Professor Challenging Older, Dominant Full Professor for Research Assistants

Newsome Gay Marriage Move Simultaneously Courageous and Pandering

TOP SCIENTISTS EXPLORE OUTSOURCING AMERICAN CARBOHYDRATES

Toby Keith Hit: "We Love to Beat Up Puppies"

Small Children Hatch Secret Candy Factory Plot

Economics Mathematician Demonstrates Conclusively that Milk Prices are Fixed Shortly Before He is Kicked Out of the Grocery Store

SPANISH POLICE SEEKING DON QUIXOTE AS WINDMILL TAKEN OUT WITH 4-TONS OF C-4

BOOK OF REVELATIONS MUTUAL FUND UNDERPERFORMING

WHITEHORSE HOSTS DEBUT OF 5000lb LEXUS SNOWMOBILE

As We Speak, Millions of Americans are Standing Around on Carpets

GIRLS AT SALON REPORTED ON VERGE OF MAJOR AGREEMENT

CHENEY COLLECTS $100 FROM RUMSFELD AS PRESIDENT FALLS FOR 'PULL MY FINGER' JOKE 50TH TIME

ROBOT HOOTERS WAITRESS UPGRADED TO DD WD-40

University of Michigan Political Science Study: Enormous Grants to Large Midwest Universities Highly Correlated With Re-Election

Marin Sports Bar Featuring Crew Memorabilia, Additional Whitey Sports

Jumping on Religious Action Bandwagon, Steven Seagal to Film Vengence of Vishnu II

FRESNO MAN MADE UNCOMFORTABLE AS NEBULAR 7 SPACE ALIEN TAKES UP URINAL STALL RIGHT NEXT TO HIM

11 Year-Old Senegalese Girl Excited by Find of Malibu Barbie Which Crossed Atlantic After Careless Abandonment by Floridian Marcie Gunwold During a Tantrum Over an Incomplete Happy Meal in 1987

ADORABLE KITTEN INSERTS HIMSELF FUZZILY ON UPPER BOOKSHELF BETWEEN PRINCIPLES OF INDUSTRIAL DESIGN AND THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD

University of Michigan Study: No U.S. Patience for Complete News Sentences

A-ROD TO NEW YORK IN TRADE FOR STATEN ISLAND

Fairy Princess Lillia, Prosecuting Attorney for Feds in Enron Case, Hits Jeff Skilling With 15 Counts of Being Mr. Frowny Face; May Be Sent to Room W/O Candy

Hope Fades for Willowton Elementary Expedition to the North Pole

Hard Times: Storage Container Company Renting Extra Storage Space for Surplus Storage Containers

WHITE HOUSE ISSUES PAPERWORK PROVING BUSH ON BASE IN ALABAMA - A 1973 OFFICER'S CLUB BAR TAB FOR $28,453

CHEVRON, PETCO MERGE TO BECOME STANDARD POODLETROLEUM

INTEL PLAN WILL SHIP ENTIRETY OF PORTLAND, OREGON METRO AREA TO BANGALORE

Espresso Ordering Process has Normally Confident Sea Pirate Feeling Out of His Depth at Bellvue Starbucks

WAL MART CALLS FOR REFORM OF ANTIQUATED ANTI-BUSINESS LAWS WHICH RESTRICT SERFDOM

TREASURY DEPARTMENT TO MAKE DEFICIT MORE FUN WITH GIANT GLASS TUBE WHERE VISITORS CAN WATCH THE BILLIONS SUCK UP INTO THE VOID

Drudge Resents Constantly Elbowing By More Assertive, Higher-Ranking Pond-Dwelling Protozoa

Pandemonium Ensues as Adorable Kitten Falls Off TV into Other Adorable Kitten

Administration Plan Will Extend Credit Cards to Newborn Infants to Cover Unanticipated Childhood Expenses, National Debt

Westminster Kennel Club Withdraws Top Bitch Award From Ann Coulter as Gender Questions Persist

Constant WTC Site Design Changes Force Freedom Tower Builders to Use Legos

Minelli, Jackson Divorce Settlements Affected as California Consitution Changed to Reflect Schwartzenegger's Promise to Stop Gay Marriage Between a Man and A Woman

San Diego Fiberglass Store Assistant Manager Receives Fulbright to Botswanna to Study Mysterious Jungle Epoxy

Interview with Cloud Bank Reveals Abiding Affection for the Northwest

Cafe Riding Fine Line Between Attractively Distressed and Just Plain Falling Over

Ann Coulter Getting that Recurring Dream Again Where She's Giving Zombie Francisco Franco an Altoids Hummer

43,000 CUBIC YARDS OF CRISCO APPLIED TO SAN ANDREAS FAULT IN ANTI-EARTHQUAKE MEASURE

THELMA AND SCOOBY REVEAL BUSH INVOLVED IN 1972 SECRET NATIONAL GUARD INVISIBILITY POTION EXPERIMENT

HILL BOOB HEARINGS FEATURE TOOL POWELL

CLONING CONTROVERSY AS FAST GROWING ALDER TREES SPROUTING SPRINGTIME HUMAN BLASTOCYSTS

WITH MEMORIES AND RECORDS LACKING, EVIDENCE IS MOUNTING BUSH WAS PROBED BY ALIENS THROUGHOUT 1972

TACOMA, SELECTED AS AMERICA'S MOST STRESSFUL CITY, URGED TO CHILL OUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE

A PRIEST, A RABBI AND A PASTOR WALK INTO A BAR AND START ARGUING ABOUT MEL GIBSON

WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB SELECTS ANN COULTER TOP BITCH

Africanized Bees Moving Farther North, Complete with little tams, down dashikis, and tiny little snowshoes.

Congolese Boy Soldier Offering to Trade AK-47 for Working 1992 Nintendo

ALASKANS DIG IN, BRACE FOR 3 MORE MONTHS OF SPRING

Seattle Dehippification Continues as Crazed Atkins Dieters Smashing Windows of Whole Wheat Bakeries

EMPHASIZING SINCERITY PRIZED BY CONSERVATIVES, G.O.P. WILL REPLACE CHENEY WITH FIRST 'BLACK' V.P. CANDIDATE, A LABRADOR NAMED BIGGS

CONCERN GROWS: WILL ADORABLE KITTENS HANG IN THERE?

Halliburton Cleans Up Futures Markets; Cancels Crashing The Earth into The Sun Plan

DR. DEAN REPORTED IN ROMANIA, HOLED UP IN SECRET LABORATORY

G.O.P. Sets Goal of Making Boob Dangling as Popular as They Made Oral Sex in the 1990s

CLEAR CHANNEL RELEASES SATAN FROM CONTRACT

CHARLIE ROSE YELLS "NO!", SPRAYS BILL O'REILLY WITH WATER BOTTLE

Metrosexual Shaving Craze Now Extending to Cats, Hampsters

Obsessive Swiss Using Giant Moutain Floss to Clean Alps

FCC "War on Breasts" May Extend to Hootchie Pants

Consumer Warning: Honey Buckets Contain the Opposite of Honey

Schwarzenegger Attempting to Go Back in Time to Prevent Himself from Runnning for Governor

BIG SALE ON POT PIES AS INDUSTRIAL CHICKEN POLISHER GOES WRONG

Skippy the Sailing Squirrel Singled Out by U.S. Customs K-9 Unit

University of Michigan Study of Jackson Nipple Flap Indicates Conservatives May Have Unresolved Childhood Issues

20 Cops Burst into to Dayton, OH Kiddy-Care Center, Locate Missing Hungry, Hungry Hippo

American GI at Rest While on Patrol in Mountains Near Kabul, Wonders Idly About the Nature of Afghani Literature

INTERNATIONAL EXPLOSIONS TASK FORCE RECOMMENDS REDUCTION IN EXPLOSIONS

WOOKIE AMBASSADOR TO EARTH EXPRESSES DISAPPOINTMENT IN TONY BLAIR

TEST OF INTERNET VOTING ELEVATES EMINEM TO 4TH PLACE IN MICHIGAN CAUCUSES

MARS ROVER DRILLS INTO MARS SURFACE- STRIKES NOUGAT

IN TEARY NBC INTERVIEW, BUSH ADMITS LIFE-LONG SHAME OF SPEAKING ONLY PIDGIN ENGLISH

FIRE-FIGHT IN SUNNI TRIANGLE AS FIJIAN DIVISION LAUNCHES OPERATION 'FURIOUS CORAL'

Los Angeles Hospital Competition Heats Up with Catastrophic Heart Failure ER Discount Coupons

University of Michigan Study IDs "Hot-Chick Hit-On Scenario Bio-Software" in Constant Male Operation

A Particularly Wily Coyote Suing Warner Bros. For Image Copyright Infringement, Cruel Defamation

ADORABLE KITTENS WATCHING TOO MUCH AQUARIUM

University of Robots Ethics Course Incorporating Star Trek Episode Re Issue of Whether To Explode as Reaction to Logical Conundrums

Collective Gasp of 93 Million People In Jasckon Nipple Flap Recorded for Use in Anti-Riot Trucks

University of Robots Endowment Drive Targeting ATM Machine Alums

Howard Dean Mounts Gnarly Chopper on Ride into the West

Dennis Miller Breaks Snideometer

Aritificially Intelligent Anti-Ballistic Missile System will Launch From Alaska, Land Near Pyongyang Palace and Instigate Tricky Disarmament Negotiations with Kim Jong Il

PACIFIC PUDDING SHARK HAS SPOON-SHARP TEETH

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Boycotting Halliburton In Any Potential Drilling Muds Contract

University of Michigan Poll Indicates 12% of Americans Just Driving Around Because They Don't Want to Go Home Right Away

TERRORIST PLOT GOES REFRESHINGLY AWRY WHEN CROP DUSTER IS MISTAKENLY USED TO SPRAY AEROSOL MINT OVER D.C.

CIA REPORTS TO CONGRESS ON IRAQ: "WE WERE CONFUSED BY SHINY THINGS"

AMERICAN LOZENGE ASSOCIATION UNVEILS "LOZENGE OF TOMORROW"

RUMSFELD ADMITS THAT BEING UTTERLY, CATASTROPHICALLY WRONG MAY HAVE GIVEN UNFORTUNATE IMPRESSION OF BEING WRONG

Summertime Living Expected to Be Unusually Easy, Perhaps Even as Easy as Looking At Pie

SPONTANEOUS NATIONAL ORGY CAUSED BY JACKSON NIPPLE FLAP SPILLS OVER INTO CANADA

Teen Suicide Bomber Postponing Her Explosion Until After Christina Aguillera Concert on Cable

CROWS, RAVENS WORKING WITH JIMMY CARTER TO HEAL LONG-STANDING RIFT

University of Michigan Study: University of Washington Usually Mishandles Large Research Grants

General Accounting Office Investigating Halliburton For Massive Overcharges to US Govt In Crashing Earth into the Sun Program

University of Washington Study: University of Michigan Research "Incredibly Gay"

Fed Moves to Revalue Dollar at 103 Cents

Ohio Teen Described as Analogophobic: Mortally Terrified of Vinyl Records, Dial Clocks, Actual Experiences

Fit Bike Rider Annoying Everyone on Trail with Bright Green Over-Logoed Spandex

Terrorist Expresses Outrage over Cell Charges

Astrophysicists Seeking Gravity Waves Detect Intense Gamma-Ray Burst from Black Hole Forming Over Treasury Department

Despicable Nickle Pickles Tickle Fickle Rickels

Declining Basketball Ratings Force March Madness Downgrade to February Mild Enthusiasm

FCC Issues Ruling: Absolutely No Naked Breasts on Broadcast TV- only Large, Jiggling, Well-lit Breasts in Skimpy, Diaphanous Clothing as Per Existing Rules

Severe Weather Alert for L.A. May Force Evacuation as Northwest Grayish Drizzle Front Expected to Move In

ASHCROFT BLASTS SUPERMAN, JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA

Seattle Artist Changes Wallingford McDonalds' Breakfast Plan as He Suddenly Remembers that A) It's After 11AM, and B) The Wallingford McDonalds Was Just Destroyed and Flattened by Bulldozers (REAL!)

Howard Dean Retooling Campaign To Appeal to Actual Voters

Group to Form Unit